January 6,2013
As I look around me all I see is the blinding lights of your judgement. Do you not see how much it hurts me when you say that I don't love you? Or do you see but you just don't care? Do you really believe the words coming out of your mouth?
All I want to do as you sit there and tell me grandma how much of an ungrateful child I am and how I don't love you, or how I love everyone else more than I love you, is cry. I don't understand how you can sit there and talk about me when the reason we are not as close as your sister and me is because of you. You seem to blame your sister or my friends on everything that has been going on in my life that you don't like. Well i'm sorry that i'm not perfect. I understand that you don't want me to end up 18 and pregnant like you and then have to stuggle to support my kids; but the way you are making sure of that is not the right way you should go.
Last year I made a really big mistake and your sister sat in her care with me on the way to her house and we talked. She didn't yell or make me feel like you did about the whole situation. No. All we did was talk. She didn't make me upset or yell. It made me feel like she really trully cared, but with you all I felt was regret of your ever finding out. You just sat there and yelled about how stupid I was and how it never should have happened, like i didn't already know that, and i don't think you actually cared but you were forced to care because i was underage.
Under example would be last july when i told you about my cutting. I walked in there with tears running down my face and i just felt like they wouldn't stop. You asked me what was wrong but i don't think you really cared. But i still told you. When I finished you started yelling at me. You told me it was stupid, that i had no reason to be depressed, or harming myself in anyway. I looked at you and i again i didn't seem like you cared. You just didn't want me to end up killing myself and then it would be on your conscience. When I told Marie she just sat there and listened to my talk. When I was done she asked me about it.Again I felt like your sister loved me more than you do.
Maybe thats the reason I "only love" your sister. But i guess you will never know that I really do love you. I just don't think you really love me.
