I came back home yesterday. I kinda wish i didn't. Everybody seems so happy. I feel like im drowning. I can feel the depression coming back and it sucks. I know its my fault. Yesterday when i came home all i wanted to do was go to your room and sit on your bed and watch whatever and joke around like we always do. But i cant. I know you hate me. Why wouldn't you? I'm the reason everyone knows what happened. Its all my fault. Justin said you weren't mad but i know you are. I wish i could talk to you. You always made me feel better. Just knowing that i wasn't alone helped me a lot but you aren't here anymore.
Its only been 5 days but it feels like forever. Is this how it is always gonna be. I'm scared that we are gonna go back to the way we were when you first started living here. Doing our best to avoid each other because we didn't like each other. I thought i was okay with it until i got to know you. You weren't at all what i thought you would be like. You are an amazing friend and a great listener.
I however know now that it probably will be back to being that way. Earlier you walked by me on the stairs and you did your best to not touch. Its probably always gonna be like this now. Did you know that when you walked away or every single time i walked by you all i wanted was for you to say someone thing to me. Anything. But you didn't. You just sat there or just keep doing what you were doing.
I understand that i was just there to help you get over the fact that your best friend wasn't there for you. But not talking to you anymore sucks.
Did you feel sick after everything you eat. Cause i do. I hate eating it just makes me feel bad. I got a fault in our stars shirt yesterday and every time i look at it i think of you. How you took me to see it for my birthday. And i wanna show you it, but every time i almost do i remember that you probably hate me and don't want to talk to me.
Its okay. I understand. I will get over it. Maybe when school starts i can throw myself into my classwork so my brain has something better to do other than blame me for everything.
I could go on forever but you probably don't care so i guess this is the end.
Bye
