The Train Of Life [NCT Dream]

the fear

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The smell of saltwater made you reach up to pinch the bridge of your nose. The pounding of your heart in your chest had subsided and you were left with a feeling of suffocation when you looked out onto the ocean that had appeared. You looked down and saw no sign of land anywhere. No coast, no ground, no stability as the train rocked back and forth.

You liked lakes but you hated the ocean. The uncertainty that came with the dark blue body of water was enough to terrify you and you felt your hands clench, your eyes falling onto the sandwich that was halfway eaten. Your throat was dry and you placed the tray beside you, fisting your hands to see them turn white under the pressure.

Haechan said that you brought him up and you wondered who the next stranger would be.

"He should have made you finish your sandwich. He never does his job right." A soft and sweet voice said and you looked up to see a small-framed man. He had a man-bun and despite his high-bridged nose and lips that could account for a woman's, he had a burning look in his eyes that made you recall every moment you had spent shying away from your father's gaze.

He was wearing a long black coat that trailed along the ground and unlike the carefree characters you have met, he brought in such a feeling of dread that you had to look down to the ground.

"Fear," you realized as the feeling settled deeper. "You are fear."

"Took you long enough," he said to you, taking a seat. "I expected you to get it right off the bat. I'm no stranger to you, my lady. My name is Renjun and I am fear."

You sighed, suddenly missing the way you felt when you were with Haechan and Jisung. Happiness really was short-lived.

"I take offense to that," Renjun quipped deadpan. "Can't blame you, however. Now tell me, what are you afraid of?"

You knew there was no way around it other than to speak to him so you began to think of every feeling of fear you have encountered, trying to word it in a way so you wouldn't seem like a coward in front of this very tiny yet very menacing man.

"I am fear," Renjun reminded you. "You mustn't fear the fear," he said it like a joke but it was more of warning to get on with it and you gulped. He softened when he saw your features.

"It never gets easier, that's all. It never gets easier to feel afraid." Your remark was followed by your one fear. "People are scared of oblivion, but I am scared of being remembered for something I am not."

Renjun nodded, his eyes turning to stare at the ocean.

"Yet you live such a life of lies and façade," he said to you. "I hear from Happiness that you're scared of what people might say if you leave him."

He was definitely talking about Doyoung and you nod.

"Do you not fear how you may live your life if you continue to be with him?" he asked and you paused, thinking about it. You had never thought about it, how life would be when if you left the one person your parents entrusted you with.

They told you not to fuck it up and here you were, thinking of leaving him because you were miserable.

"Do you not think that leaving him is the only way so you can feel happy again?"

"I wish it were that easy."

Renjun let out a scoff, rolling his eyes. "Oh, it's not. Maybe this is the part where I drag in Courage by the ear. He really needs to talk more to the passengers rather than just get them on the train."

You laugh at the man's disgruntled murmur. "You must be close to him," you stated, Renjun nodding in response.

"We come hand in hand. With me, there is Chenle trying to make people do what they truly want to do even when they lack courage." Renjun breathed in, his words solemn. "There is no reason to stay, if you ask me."

You didn't ask him but he seemed like he had a lot to say, like he was close to exploding on you with a hundred and ten reasons why you must eradicate all bad thoughts about possibilities that may happen.

"Your fear is not a reason to stay, especially when it's your decision to make," he finally concluded. "There is no wrong decision when it comes to your well-being. What you must do, you do for yourself. That thought itself must grant you courage."

"And if it doesn't?" you ask, Renjun taking in a sharp inhale before shaking his head at you.

"It means that you need a whack from reality," he said, tapping his heels onto the ground. The train began to speed up, air knocking into your lungs. "It means that you must rebuild what you think of yourself and what you are worth."

He stood up and through the billowing of his coat, you could hear another click from his heels and the train halted into a stop. You surged forward, falling onto the ground to see that Renjun was gone and your chest heaved from the impact.

The moon was high up in the sky now and as you remained on the ground, you brought your knees to your chest and you began to cry.