The First Cigarette - (A Jaywon Story)

★ 하나 ★

Jungwon hates his parents.

It was Thursday night and a glass flew up in the air hitting the wall behind his head with a loud noise. He ran, as fast as he could. He ran like his life could be taken away in the blink of an eye. He knew that all of this was his fault, he made them mad after asking for permission to go to a party on Sunday. He thought that maybe this time, maybe just for once, they'll agree. He didn't even ask them, just mentioned it casually to them during dinner, but it was enough to bring hell to the table.

The party was from one of Jungwon's unapproved friends so, it was obvious that they'll refuse to let him go and punish him instead. 'Such a fool'. He entered the kitchen thinking about hiding in the gabinets, his parents recent punishments made him loose a lot of weight allowing him to fit perfectly between the wooden boards. He stood still trying to be as quiet as possible but the sound of his mother coming closer made him gasp for air. He closed his eyes wishing that it wasn't loud enough for her to find him, if she does there will be no way out.

"You're only making this harder sweetie, I told you a million times that you are not going anywhere. We're trying to protect you. Don't you understand? We're doing this for your own good. Oh.. Here you are", she said opening Jungwon's hiding spot.

The entrance to hell opened along with it, like it was awaiting for him to come for a long time. He didn't think about himself as a sinner but he felt like he knew more about hell than God himself.

His parents were obsessed with having the perfect son. He had to be remarkable in every aspect of his life otherwise, he'll be punished, mostly by his mother. Somehow he was grateful about that, whenever his dad punished him he felt like he was beyond the first circles of hell that Dante described. His dad was the worst, he would constantly think that he had no humanity left in his soul and that it was replaced with a constant urge of domination and sadistic depravation. Like he was a violent animal awaiting for Jungwon to make any mistake to take him, unadvicedly, into a dungeon of forever agony. The simple mention of him made Jungwon shiver in weakness and submission. He hated him specially.

He tried his best to not be in that position but everything labelled by his parents as incorrect, bad or sinful always felt incredibly attractive in his eyes. Like it was calling for him. Only wishing he could feel for once that he was not their property, like he had the right to choose whether he wanted to be good or not. He was not theirs. 'I don't owe my parents anything, specially not respect', some of the things he wish he could scream to their face but knew, he could never say out loud. Jungwon was doomed.

"Ahh, ahh!"

It burned like hell, he didn't even know what part of him was burning anymore, but the thought of him passing out in a few minutes because of the pain scared him. It could only mean he would earn a much worst punishment next night, he didn't want that so he tried his best to stay awake. He was blindfolded, screaming as loud as his lungs could allow him to, feeling his body being castigated with violence by his mother.

Thinking, was his only way of distracting himself from the pain. This time the pain was stronger, not allowing him to think about anything at all. His body was slowly going numb and the pain was running through every single one of his muscles. He almost thought he was being dissected alive. That was a scarier thought since, his mother, could beat the will to live out of his body, but will never, not even a single time, cut his flesh. She hated that kind of scars on Jungwon's body.

'It hurts. Why can't I think of one moment of happiness? Do I deserve to be this unhappy? Please God, why don't you listen?'

Then everything went black.

-

"Jungwon, sweetie, hurry up or you'll be late for the first period!", his mother was yelling in such a sweet voice tone that it made him nauseous.

Jungwon woke up incredibly early. The reason was that he couldn't get any rest all night, he cried silently and when he ran out of tears, he only whimpered like an wounded animal. His body was aching everywhere and his head was pounding harshly, he felt weak and vulnerable, only wishing to be stronger to endure the pain.

In the early morning, as he was taking a shower, he realized that his mother didn't cut his flesh as he thought, but did knead and pound his body merciless like it was a cookie dough. He was too tired to go to the university, but it would be just the stupidest idea to ask his mother to stay home today because of the pain. She'll refuse and make it worst later. For the rest of the day he would pretend to be 'mommy's little boy' and surrender to her, he should, for his own sake.

"I'm coming mother, I'm almost done", he said, fighting the pain in his ribcage.

He sighed looking again at the mirror. He was almost done applying make up all over his face, last night was rough but he was grateful about not remembering almost anything about it. He stood up and put his shoes on carefully when he noticed a little black lighter under his bed. He didn't know where did that lighter came from but he felt the urge of picking it up. He assumed that he accidentally took it from the kitchen when lighting some candles a few days ago. He lit it up and stared at the flame for a few seconds, it was dancing. He extinguished the fuse and placed the lighter in his pocket taking his backpack afterwards.

When he came downstairs his dad was already gone and his mother was carefully placing a pie on the oven. His house was big and beautifully decorated, his mother was an expert in hiding flaws around, allowing every secret to remain unknown. She greeted him with a kiss on the forehead and gave him 20 dollars for his lunch, remembering him to spend it strictly on food and the bus ride. Jungwon smiled and took the money nodding at the statement, he knew he was lying though, he always saved a little bit more than half of the money they gave him for himself.

His dog came running at him waving his tail happily, that dog was Jungwon's only happiness. He patted his head softly and gave him a treat, then he left the house walking in silence to the bus stop. He sometimes wondered how would his life be if he was treated as the other rich kids in his neighborhood, with private choferes and comfortable seats. Instead, he always took the bus, because his mother thought it would make him feel embarrassed and reflect in his bad behavior. However, outside of that house, even in the crumbling bus, he felt like he could finally breath, when he was out of his mother's control he felt extremely free. He always knew that the outside world felt safer than his own house, guess that's why he never called it home.

When he reached the bus stop, the bus was already waiting for the people to ride it. He got into the bus and sat on the farthest seat that was available, he always hated that short walk inside of the bus as he felt like everybody could hear his thoughts. He put his headphones on and played his 'yesterday was a bad day' playlist, trying to forget for a moment that he was alive.

The sun was shining weakly and the weather was colder than the day before, all the windows were foggy and the whole ambience looked gloomy. He was mumbling some lyrics softly while looking outside the window, waiting for the bus to leave, when he felt somebody sitting beside him. He wasn't mad, but definitely felt surprised since none of his 'friends' would take that bus in the morning and he thought that almost nobody would take a seat next to him due to his appearance. He was used to people avoiding him, either in the university or in high school years ago.

He was sure that the reason why everybody avoided him was the energy he radiated. He looked sad, wounded and scared all the time and that, definitely scared people away. 'Nobody likes a sad person', that's what his mother will repeat to him constantly when he refused to smile for her.

He finally looked up meeting the other one's gaze feeling electricity going through his spine.

'Jesus crist, he's definitely an angel', he thought.

Jungwon couldn't have been more mistaken.

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Hi :D this is the first chapter. I really hope you like it, Jay will be appearing in the next chapter so, be ready. If you notice any mistake please let me know. Hugs - Sejin