Love, Lose, And Repeat

Eight Reasons Why It's Okay For Men to Lie

One: We are men. It's in every muscle cell, every fiber of every pair of jeans we hustle on over slimy boxers and stain with sloshes of beer from half-empty cans. It's okay to lie to girls because if it wasn't okay, we would do it anyway.

Two: Jack Nicholson said it, "You can't handle the truth." They would rather hear lies. Lies are an exercise in creative thought. They are brain push-ups, "Yeah babe, buy that top it makes your rack look hot." On the inside we are thinking how flat or floppy they are and how fucking great a pair of fake tits would fit them, and then they lose us completely to a Victoria's Secret commercial--wonder bra addition, score!

Three: Lies don't hurt. You know what hurts? Kicks to the shins, balls to the balls, slaps from bar girls. Lies don't hurt. What hurts is having to carry a couch to the fifth floor because she might break a nail. What hurts is holding her purse in the changing room while she tries on every color underwear, and doesn't even give me a peek, while I am sitting there trying to get reception on my phone and rapidly loosing my dignity.

Four: If I stay out a few hours darker, to catch the end of the game with the guys, they never notice. They are off shaving their legs or watching trash tv, pricing out engagement rings--I don't know. We go out to buy butter, but spend half the time in a video store, half the time in Stacey from work. Then, the last five seconds buying butter from a gas station; they don't even notice. They just look up from whatever they've been doing the last hour and smile and ask us to make them some popcorn or to kill a spider they have cornered by the fridge.

Five: Lies protect. We feel like we should shelter them. Isn't that our job--protector of the house-- earner of the bread? Harmless.

Six: Why start a fight? We mean, why cause trouble? Isn't that called instigating? We are not instigators; we am not instigating anything. Women, see, they are the instigators. They start all the trouble. They ask questions like: "where have you been?" "why were you out all night?" We minimize the damage, know what people call that? Reasonable.

Seven: Women may be the gentler sex, but we have our feelings. Like, the feeling when we eat too much pizza or our team looses and we have to cough up the ten bucks we bet. We feel things.

Eight: We don't want to lose our ladies. We have to lie, so we do. We lie like college girls after too many tequila shots: fast and free and harmless.