What the hell is wrong with me? All I've ever done is switch back and forth, to and from every few weeks, or sometimes days. All I've ever done is lie to myself and the people I care about. Confession time, both to them and mostly to myself? I think so.
Kassidy, we started out as friends last year when I moved to sit behind Sam. I know I've said it a lot, but I don't like you. We're friends. Good ones I'd hope.
Savanna. You're a genius, obviously. Only one I even think of comparing to. I was WAY too rash when we first met, and perhaps that's why we turned into such a mess. You've always meant a lot, and going with your words, we will never happen. And honestly, I'm glad. Because you make an amazing best friend (if you still consider us that), and I'd never want to ruin our orange throwing.
Jamie. Oh where do I begin... Biology, last year. Back when you had glasses. You didn't talk much, but when you did I was always mesmerized. Spent the first few months just hopelessly glancing over now and then. Then we changed seating, and oh, how great could my luck get? I got placed right next to you. Most awkward seat I've ever had. I tried so hard on all my work then, always hoping you would think I was smart, and not just some moron that wasn't doing anything in the class. I always hid my diagram drawings from you as well, they were so terrible and I would be so embarrassed if you saw them. Another couple months went by, no words ever spoken directly between us, always feeling like the room was set at 1000 degrees. The mesmerizing effect of your voice is much more effective when you're sitting a foot away. But eventually, Ethan, being the wonderful friend he is, took the liberty of introducing us, forcing me to talk. That's when the whole journey began. My liking towards you skyrocketed the more we talked in the following days, and soon we became friends. All the while I held the biggest, longest held secret I'd ever had from you. I never, ever thought you'd feel the same. One day I had confessed that I simply liked you, not letting it turn into anything, and we went back as we were, just going through everything, up until April. The class trip to D.C. There, we all truly got to see who all our friends really were, not just how we knew them in school. And what did that mean? More time spent with you, but both with a much more optimistic feeling. On that trip I realized what I'd truly been feeling all along, and confessed my love to you. The whole course of those three days, talking to you and texting you were my priorities. Towards the second half of the trip, I finally had convinced you to saying yes, the greatest, heart-stopping moment in the world. I wouldn't trade the moments after that for anything in the world. Then we went back to school, and while there things were barely different then how they were before. This is where my regrets begin. It still was great, and we made the best of our shyness. Then summer came, and we never saw each other, but constantly texted and I managed the occasional phone call. The first half of summer went by with its developments between us, then came the terrible second half. our calls slowly diminished to none, and I started to change. To this day I still have no idea what happened to me, but the events are summed up in the first three or so entries to this, so I won't re-recap those too much. We eventually went back to school, and around that time we broke up and struggled to repair things a few times, but we finally called it quits. I vowed to you that I'd wait for your trust in me to return, and here I sit, almost a year after it all started, writing all this about the girl that meant, and means, the universe to me. We talked again today (well yesterday if your picky about the time), and you're still just as amazing (if not more) than the day I met you. No one has ever meant this much to me, and I've never meant "I love you" like I do to you. I could never replace you, and have yet to attempt at trying. I hope some day we can get back to how we were at first, now that I know what I'm doing and am no longer a ridiculous child that rashly runs after spur of the moment feelings. I've waited half a year, and have no problem waiting till the day I die. All I wish for is that some day, I will once again be able to call you my Mudkip.
I think that's good for a while. Typed this one from my phone, so it seriously feels like I only have eight fingers. But there you all go. Now THAT'S what I call a personal feelings entry.
Feels good to be back.
-JNF3
