Impulsive Notion

1

September 8, 2021

Am I really questioning myself right now? Questioning all the things that are happening to me...?

Is this what they call the existential crisis?

Oh, I guess it is. 

I have just research its meaning 11:48 pm today. According to Google - Existential crisis, also known as existential dread, are moments when individuals question whether their lives have meaning, purpose, or value, and are negatively impacted by the contemplation.

And based from its meaning, I guess I am really experiencing an existential crisis right now. I don't know why.

There's so much things going on in my head right now. I'd like to have something to look back at someday, remembering what are my thoughts at this time, so I am writing this.

First, what's bothering me is my sister. 

Does she not want to be with us for at least sometime? I can't help but overthink why chose not to come home knowing we're waiting for her at my grandmother's house. I know, I'm selfish and immature in this part. Why can't she do some things with us? Why does it have to be with her bestfriend? Or with some of her other friends? Not with us? Not with me?

Welcome to another episode of me, being a jealous and attention-seeker sister.

Really, I'd just like to detach myself from everyone. From everything.

I'd like to be alone. To be far from everything. I'd like to be in a place where I don't have to explain myself anymore. Literally far from everyone. From their judging eyes, from their questioning minds, from their hurtful mouths.

Alone. How great it is to be alone.

I'd like to have things on my own. My own place. My own space. But how would I have all these if I don't even have my own phone? This is absurd. 

I am so tired of not having my own stuffs. So tired of borrowing. Why can't I have even just this simple things? 

I can't help but blame my parents. Why don't we have the money? 

But, I know I should be grateful. I may not have my own space and my own phone for now, I know being able to eat even more than 3 times a day is greater. Having a decent shelter is more than enough. Not having to evacuate during calamities is even better. I know. I know all that. 

I just can't help but question these things.