Autumn POV
I stare blankly at the reflection in my mirror. My eyes, normally a calm grey, are working up a storm. My face, pale and tear stained. My breathing feels forced. Like there isn't enough oxygen for me. Or I just don't want it.
The piece of paper in front of me is filled with scribbles. I crumple it up and throw it on the floor with the other ones. I put my head in my hands, irritated and losing it.
I have to write a eulogy for my brother. I thought it would be easier than this. Somehow I thought that this would be a relief. That I could finally feel at peace because I could say goodbye to him. In a way, it still feels like I'm dreaming. I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream.
But I know it's not. I know because of the physical pain I feel when I get out of bed. I can't even take seeing his room. It's as if I don't touch anything, he'll somehow come back. But he's gone, leaving me and my dad utterly and completely lost.
"Hey, how's it coming?" I jump at the sudden noise. Speak of the devil. I take my head out of my hands to face my dad. He is in worse shape than I am. He smells like cigerattes and alcohol. His face seems thinner, paler. Looks like I'm not the only one breaking down.
He leans over me, looking at the blank sheet in front of me. "I can't do this." I whisper, putting my head down on my desk. My dad stays silent for a few moments.
"Do it for Jamie." He rubs my back, reassuring me. "We have to be there in an hour." He says before I hear the door click shut. I sigh and get up to take a shower.
The bathroom connects me and Jamie's room. Meaning when I open the door to the bathroom, I see it. More like smell it. His scent fills my nose, making me cringe. I quickly move to close the door.
When I get in the shower, I turn it up as hot as it can get. It makes me breathe easier. As the beads of water roll down my skin, inspiration strikes.
I know how to say the perfect goodbye to Jamie.
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I smooth my black dress for what feels like the twentieth time after another cold embrace. I'm trying my hardest to stay strong, but each time someone comes up to me, I almost lose it. I hate this weakness in me.
This day is filled with so many "sorry's." It's actually quite annoying. They can't say sorry, it won't bring Jamie back. Won't fix the problem.
People keep showing up from our school. Some are just curious, others actually care. Each annoys me.
Casper touches my back, making me jump. "How are you holding up?" He asks me. I shrug my shoulders, tears forming in my eyes. He envelops in a hug. The first sincere hug I've had all day.
"It's okay to cry you know." He whispers as my shoulders shake with non-existant tears. I shake my head.
"I can't afford to cry." He doesn't argue with me, just rubs my shoulders. He pulls back to look at me and starts to say something but I stop him. "I have to go practice his eulogy." I leave before he can say anything else. It's embarrassing for him to see me like this.
I head for the bathroom, feeling that's the most private place in this place. I make sure no one else is in here with me before collapsing on the floor. I can't do this. I can't go up in front of all of these people and say goodbye to my brother.
But I have to.
I have to drag my pathetic self off the floor and say goodbye. It's not about me. It's about Jamie.
I have to do this for Jamie.
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My breath echoes in my ears as I step up in front of everyone. My voice cracks, trying to find the right words to say. I clear my throat.
"James Megilicutty Phillips, the person with the stupidest middle name in the world, is brave, caring, and loving." I smile sadly as I wipe a tear away. "It's kind of poetic, the way he died. When we were little he was always afraid of dying. He would cry at night because he was completely terrified. What I found out later was that he wasn't afraid of himself dying, he was afraid of his family dying and leaving him alone in the world." I smile. "He loves in a beautiful way. All of you from school, you know it too. It's easy to fall in love with him." The crowd nods. "You know him as my brother, but I know him as my best friend." I look down, falling silent and forgetting the words I was going to say. "Goodbye Jamie." I whisper so only I, and he, can hear.
A few people clap slowly, unsure of what to do. I take that as my signal to step down and move back towards my seat by my dad. Then I see him.
Riley.
Sitting in the back row, eyes glued to me. He offers me a small smile when I meet his gaze. I feel his eyes on me for the rest of the service.
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"You did great up there. Jamie would have loved it." An old lady that I don't know says to me. I nod but my entire focus is on Riley. I can see him from anywhere in the room, his curly head towering over everyone. I ignore the old lady and walk over to him. He smiles at me, green eyes sparkling.
I lose all words when I look into his eyes. He touches my arm, sending a flash of images across my eyes, making me flinch.
"Sorry." He whispers to me as he takes his arm away. I shake my head, signaling that it's fine.
"Autumn?" I freeze at the familiar voice. I turn around to face it, and am met by the face of my own personal devil.
