Faltered light

Part 14: Weight of the wagon or the world

We live in a world ruled by chaos and chance. Those words never really rang true in any sense until now. "That's it for now let's get a move on", Kurt had been barking orders since we left. The walk is sturdy; Ian and James are pulling the heaviest wagons. Violet and I got charted carting food and water that we then must distribute equally for the rest of the trip. Ian's keenness to survive can only be pushed so far ;as for James, well.... I am not entirely sure what James thinks at this point. We took a five minute break every two hours which did not feel entirely fair but when I brought it up Kurt shut it right back down. "Kurt, How do you know so much about this stuff?", "I don't. My friend Ria does. She.. look it doesn't matter. I am in this predicament because you assholes took it upon yourselves to come into my home", "Where is Ria now?", "Violet shut up!", Ian finally reads the room correctly and tries to sway the conversation away from the mystery of Kurt. "Look I said I didn't want to talk about it okay, now drop it", Kurt gets aggravated and I find myself wondering if maybe he did something to Ria. James reads my expression and shakes his head in disapproval. "She's not dead is she?", Violet suddenly having swapped personalities with Ian dredges up Ria and Kurt fly's off the handle; "no she's not dead you insensitive cow!", he heads toward Violet and she threatens to break a couple of his beakers, "where is she then Kurt? Did you murder her?", everyone stops in their tracks and Ian slumps to the floor in exhaustion. "No I didn't kill her! She left. She made her way to the base. She didn't want to live in fear anymore", tears swim to Violets eyes and Kurt panics. "What'd I say?". After the commotion dies down we rest for the first time all day and Kurt and Violet sit there dazed. Perhaps having stumbled upon Kurt was a sort of chance that came only from the universe. "We need to rest", James speaks up and Kurt somehow agrees. The tensions of the group run high; the strung out vessels that loom in the forest make travelling hard and depressed. Some sleep will do everyone good. We convince Kurt that the wagons are safe on the ground but we need to sleep in the trees. Who knows what's out there. Kurt, Ian and James slump onto a tree right above the supplies. They manage to tie themselves down with some bungee cord left over from when we were packing up the wagons. Violet and I choose a tree closer to the ground because neither of us can climb that far up, one bungee cord drapes us and holds the two of us in place. The sun is high and warm so sleep comes easy as the day breaks into scattered pieces of running emotions and bleak eyes that dare not break concentration from the journey ahead. Petty teenage fights and attending high school with my friends was such a distant world I wonder if I'll ever live to see the chaotic bliss that runs through those harrowed hallways I once so despised.
"Calla wake up", my mum yells. She seems to far away. I almost cry at the soothing punch her voice gives my heart. When I open my eyes it's pitch dark. The moon is hidden behind dark clouds and the world seems different. I glance over and Violet is slumped to one side, her head leaning on the bend of a trunk. I look over and James is fast asleep on Ians shoulder. I almost burst out laughing but decide against it. We need more rest. It would be futile to travel in the darkness. I close my eyes again and this time the dreams don't come. Nor do they bring nostalgia.

The morning is ruled by a plush scent given off by the trees and the ground. It almost smells like fresh rain but I don't recall it raining. I feel much better than yesterday like a weight has been shifted. I wake Violet so I can undo our cord and get down.

A few hours later
The surreal feeling this morning. Was that all just some send off by the universe? After we got down and had breakfast we ran into some friends. They have managed to pick off Violet and Kurt. Ian, James and I are now hidden in a cove of trees praying for our lives. There is a way out but James says we have to run like hell. "We can do this" he looks at me. Really looks at me. For the first time in a long time I remember the sweet crush that tethered my world all these years. The denial of it. So what is the best ending? Well remembering the best thing that never happened. How do you remember something that never happened? Anticipation is the purest form of pleasure and the most reliable. While the things that happened would inevitably disappoint, the things that never happened would never dim, never fade. They would always be engraved with a sort of sweet sadness. James, my life ever being normal. Those are the things that will never happen but in a way will never be dull. "Now Calla", we run towards the the wall. The military base that we've been chasing. They see us and are dangerously close to us. "Calla go" Ian starts yelling. His ahead of us. James is faster than me. I am scraping by. My throat is in agony. The burning sensation makes its way right down to my lungs. They are so close I can hear their foot steps echoing behind me. The blood in my ears make it possible for me to hear my own heart beat.
Breathing becomes harder. I am about to give up when Ian turns around and is running at full speed toward me. Before I realise it he has tackled one of the monsters. "Go go!" He screams. We are almost there. A few feet more and James is halfway up a tree and holding out his hand for me. I grab it. The ache in my stomach makes me want to hurl but I am happy. We made it. A flash of guilt kicks in when I realise Ian sacrificed himself for me. James smiles and helps me over the wall. It is quiet and empty. Their are no people here. We make our way down a staircase to a balcony that overlooks the camp. In the far distance we see a group of people gathered. I am so happy I grab James and embrace him. I cannot believe this. That is when James grabs my arm. My sleeve is soaked in blood. He lifts the material and a bite becomes visible. Colour drains from his face and I know in that moment that this was always the path I was destined for. We both know I do not have long now. "You have to do it", "it's okay", I whisper to him. Tears streak his face. "No no", "when?", he is trying to make sense of it all. In all honesty. Ian saw it happen. That is why he ran toward me. He knew. James. He was too focused on trying to get away. The perfect ending was too close to us to realise the mistake I had made when I let it grab me. I hand him the pistol. "Cal no" he pleads with me. "There are a lot of Healthy people down their James, this is not about you or me anymore", innocent lives are at stake. We can not put them in danger. "Calla please". I put his hand around the pistol and aim it at my head. I am terrified. I have seen the change happen. When it happened to Violet. And even Kurt. Kurt wanted to cure it but turned before he even got the chance to get out his lad equipment. Violet wanted to go silently into the water. So we let her. She kept saying she was going to be with her boys.
Me well. I am a realist. I will not be a coward. I will not endanger the lives of innocent people because I love this man. "You will find happiness James". Before Kurt changed he was rambling all sorts of science stuff. Then he started talking about how he wanted to 'taste' James. Then Ian put a bullet into his head. Now I am beginning to wonder too if James is delicious as he looks.

James
"You will find happiness James" she says. Her sweet smile. Her soulful eyes. Something just sort of switches off. I cannot tell you what it is but her sweet smile turns almost sinister. Her soulful eyes that once made me feel like I could spend my days listening to her stories; go dark. In that moment my finger finds the trigger. Before she is too far gone. When the trigger goes off the darkness that encompassed her presence fades and Calla. My sweet Calla. She is herself again.

Yet I. I will never again be the same man. I place her on the ground gently. The healthy will prevail for you Calla.