EVERYTHING GOOD||completed

Eight <Vulnerability is a Choice>

"For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.  I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." --Psalm 139:13‭-‬14 (KJV)

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Ever since their Sunday lunch/dinner, which was just some days ago, Fola had been feeling uneasy, gripped by fear. She was seated on the lone chair in her room facing the window after a gruelling day at work. She had been doing her best not to focus on the possibility that Godswill may have heard of her escapades in school by working for longer hours. For the past few days, she had been coming home too tired and worn out to think about anything but food and sleep. It was just the third day and she was exhausted mentally. And it seemed her strategy wasn't working anymore. Her mind was on high alert and getting bombarded by memories she didn't even know she could remember. She had never thought of the possibility that she'd meet someone with ties to her past. The past she had been trying to run away from. The past she didn't want to think about.

Fola stood from her chair where she had been picking on her late dinner, and moved to her bed to lie down.

Yes, she was saved and she believed with everything she had that she was healed from all the pain and hurt from the past but she couldn't help the niggling feeling she had that made her seem so guilty and diffident. It even seemed that the harder she tried in her strength to let go of those feelings, the harder the sense of unworthiness settled over her like a heavy cloak — too heavy to carry, too heavy to put off.

It seems I forgot for a moment who I am.

You're my child. That's who you are.

Fola sniffled. I'm your child? But I don't feel like it.

You're not ruled by your feelings. You're ruled by my Spirit in you.

Lord, my heart knows it but… But my head doesn't seem to understand it.

You can't walk with me via your head. Your head may never comprehend this. Your heart, spirit knows it because that's where My truth finds its most expression.

Father, help me.

Fola had not finished mumbling for help when a deep sleep overtook her. She couldn't even fight it so she let herself be carried away and closed her eyes.

******

Godswill knew something was wrong. He just didn't know what. Within the past few days, he had tried to speak with Fola but she wouldn't tell him what was wrong. She didn't avoid him this time but she wasn't also her usual self. Not even sending food to her at work produced any difference. Each time he called and she picked up, her voice was on the verge of sounding lifeless. Everyone, including Vwede, didn't know what was wrong either.

So, at first he prayed for her, asking God to help her. Some weeks after he had begun praying for her, he didn't see any difference. In fact, to him, it was like she had withdrawn further into her shell. The shell he thought she had cast off, at least with him and the others. The funniest thing to him was that she seemed freer with the others now than with him.

Just like now.

The four of them had decided to have a Bible study, at least once a month as much as their work could allow them. They were gathered at Vwede's this time, largely because Fola had insisted on her place without giving any particular reason. And all through the time of Bible study, she had stuck to Vwede's side like a toddler clinging to her mother's clothes. Any interaction with him was avoided at all costs, no matter how much he tried. Even when he was sharing what had blessed him in the study, he noticed she had her head down and away from him. It was like the past few months of friendship or whatever he thought they had built had been wiped from her memory. Having their Sunday service-after-service meet was out of the question now. At this point, it really felt like those moments had been only in his head. And it hurt him like an untreated open sore.