He's Just "Tired..."

A/N / Rant

There's something from a few years ago that I'm still pissed off about honestly. Ok, it's one thing for someone I live with to be given incorrect information about a fandom from another relative of mine and ground me, because my aunt told my grandma that undertale is a cult and my grandma didn't even let me explain anything. Just automatically believed my aunt who she rarely sees instead of the granddaughter that's lived with her their entire life so far.

But buddy, if you go to the length to forcefully take the teen's innocent fan art (think stuff like drawings of the Star sanses vs the bad sanses and such) that literally was the best art they ever made and had took all the confidence in their art ability they had, then rip it to pieces in front of them as they full on break down crying because of the year's worth of work that just got so carelessly ripped up IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE PRACTICALLY, that is literally just you asking for the teen to no longer fucking trust you near any of their stuff.

Grandma doesn't like me being secretive, but I'm sorry that I have a fear of letting you be around anything I create. When I was 15 / 16, that was the years I had the most confidence in my life time for drawing. That was also the year those art works got ripped to pieces then gets followed by my grandma full on scolding me to the point I was having a panic attack and crying. Legit after that, for 1.5 - 2 years, I hardly had the confidence to even doodle on paper... I was so utterly terrified about drawing anything... Like, you'd find me quietly flipping through old sketchbooks of non undertale art, sadly looking at my old drawings, wanting so badly to draw again but just almost getting tears in my eyes because I couldn't bring myself to draw; which had been my main passion at the time aside from music...

If you asked any of my classmates, they would straight up tell you that if I even managed to doodle anything, I'd instantly get paranoid and try hiding it as if it were the most top secret information, like fbi levels of secret information... I used to be so happy with drawing and it was like that happiness just got erased from me entirely and after that incident, I wasn't the same anymore...

I used to be able to draw for upwards of eight to ten hours a day... I can hardly do that even to this day... Drawing used to be something I could do to actually take my mind off my troubles and stress and I had incredible patience with it. Nowadays, I hardly have patience for drawing anymore... I'll usually end up scrapping a drawing about two to five minutes into the drawing, thinking it wouldn't be good anyways and that there was no point in drawing whatever it was I was drawing...

I have to practically force myself to sit down to draw, unlike how before the incident, you'd find me drawing at every chance I got. On the school bus, between classes, at lunch, at home until bedtime. I literally used to rush through my dinner just to go back to drawing because I was so fucking eager to draw. I don't have that at all anymore...

I actually feel like crying as I'm writing this... It's like one of the most important parts of me just had been killed on the day of that incident... And I feel like I've never been able to get that passion for art back ever again... I had even been the most eager kid in art class before that day, but ever since then, you'd just see me sitting around in art class, not feeling like putting any effort into the art anymore...

I heard teachers even asking me stuff like "Hey, are you ok?" In my different classes and such because they saw I was no longer doodling in class anymore as I worked... My teachers knew how much art meant to me. Even the cafeteria workers had always seen me drawing at lunch with my full focus on the art work... Then that just...stopped...

Every year that goes by, I feel like I'm losing more and more of the sparks of eagerness that I used to have so much of. If grandma doesn't like something, she will make it clear. After the loss of the art passion, my only remaining real passion was piano because the whole art incident had made me lose courage in writing as well. I tried so damn hard to build up confidence in piano due to me being barely confident in my art. Then she has the nerve to be like "Oh, play something else. That sounds awful." When I was learning to try to play some songs for the first time..

Sorry for the long ass rant...
I felt the need to share it...
Feel free to comment whatever thoughts you have on this...
Maybe I'll find the courage to redraw what had been ripped up...