Internal darkness

Chapter 3

"We're killing Justin Matthews." I remember hearing that name before. Maybe it was just the last name. I think I killed his brother last year because his brother was a shady dealer.

"I've heard that last name before, what's his background?"

"He's the youngest of two brothers, one is dead, his mother lives in Michigan where he grew up and his other brother is with his mom. He has a wife, no kids thank God. He's 6'1, 200 pounds, and he's white." Well, I'm glad he does not have kids. I always feel bad when they have kids. I was right about his brother too. I think his name was John.

"Why are we killing him?" I don't really care about this guy's family or his friends. I just wanna know how much of a scumbag he is. I hope he's a killer or something so it's easier to kill him.

"He stole some meth from your dad's operations and the place where he was meeting him. He's stolen from I don't even know why he's still able to go in there." It's probably some old man's store that's why they're always too forgiving.

"What's the name of the pub?"

"The white lion is the name of the pub." Riley tells me.

That name sounds familiar but I'm not gonna overthink it like I overthink everything. I grab the file she has and I look it over one more time. He's 27 and was in jail for fighting and a dui. So he's definitely a scumbag. That always makes it easier to kill without remorse. He doesn't deserve any. I'm gonna enjoy this one I can already tell.

Riley and I watched criminal minds the whole way there. It was a long flight way longer than were used to but it gave me time to think. Sometimes overthinking is a good thing. I think Rileys in love with that guy she's texting because I can tell by her body language when she's texting him. I'm happy for her though. She deserves this but I am also worried.

We are not really allowed to date people unless we plan on marrying them because of the mafia stuff. If she dates him and they're not married he's not protected which puts him in a lot of danger and that worries me. I know she cares a lot about him and maybe that's why she hasn't told me yet. I think she knows that this either won't work or she has to marry him. Maybe he's not ready for that yet. It's understandable we're only nineteen. I'm definitely not ready to get married.

I don't think I ever will be honestly, it's just too much commitment. I also don't ever want to force someone into my lifestyle and who's gonna want to marry a killer. If I were some normal girl I wouldn't want to marry me. I'm messed up. I don't need to mess anyone else up. I never want anyone to go through this and I won't ever let anyone I don't need a wife anyway.

When we land there's a car waiting for us. That's strange, normally I have to call an uber. I'm probably just overthinking things again. I really need to stop doing this. My overthinking is giving me anxiety and I really don't need that right now. I want this to be like a vacation not work.

We're gonna go to the pub tonight and kill him then it's over we can just have fun. I'm really excited to take Riley to the Eiffel tower. She's gonna love it. I've seen it before with my mom. We came in the winter. It's super pretty in the snow. The whole country is pretty when it's covered in snow. Maybe me and Riley can make it become tradition to come here the week before Christmas.

I know she'd love it but I'd have to talk to my dad. I hate asking him for things. The answers are always yes but still. He gives me what I want so I shut up. He just doesn't want to be bothered, he wants to stay in his own little work bubble. I hate him, he's a selfish prick.

I hope he picked the nice hotel because I love when he does that there my favorite I' wish he would let me pay for them though. I don't like feeling like I'm relying on him. I never want to have to rely on him for anything. I'm my own person so I don't need him. I don't ever want to need him. My mom and I could move away soon if he keeps paying me like he is, I could get us away.

I know it's never gonna be that easy though. I wish it could be but there's so many other things to worry about. The mafia being the biggest thing to worry about. They would kill her if she left. I would never put my mom in harm's way. She means too much to me to do that. She's the only person I've told I loved her. I don't ever say those words but I do say them to her a lot. I say them to her because I know I mean it. I never know when I mean it with other people so I don't say it so I don't give them the wrong idea.

I don't like leading people on because I know I'm hurting them. I've never told any of my girlfriends I loved them because I didn't know if I actually did. I never really know if I love people. I know I love my mom because i know she'll never leave me unless she dies but I can't really do anything about that. If she dies I'll probably just go numb and stop caring about anything. Or ill finally kill myself she's the only reason I'm staying.

I don't want her to ever hate me and me being a coward and killing myself because I wasn't strong enough to stay would make her hate me. She says she'll never hate me or look at me as anything less than her amazing daughter but I don't know if she says the things I do to people. She was the one who held my hair while I threw up after the first time I killed. That first time was the hardest. It's been easier ever since I haven't thrown up in 4 years.

I worry about my mom a lot because she also goes through this. She doesn't have to kill but she helps with the drugs and I know that's not easy for her. About a year ago a teenage boy died from an overdose and he had our drugs in his system. That destroyed her. I've never seen her so upset before. She broke down and cried in my arms for hours. I felt so helpless there was nothing I could do to help her. She's usually so strong but that night all the walls she's built up broke down and so did she.

"Hey Amy, when we get to the hotel can I ask you something?" Riley's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. Why is she asking now? She could've just asked me for advice in the hotel. It's probably important.

"Yea sure what's up?" I respond.

"Nothing, I just want your opinion on something." Yeah ok sure she definitely wants to talk about her little boyfriend. I'm glad though I want her to hear me out though but I think she already knows what I'm gonna say.

The rest of the way to the hotel was quiet. Riley's a loud person so this is really weird. I hope she's ok. She overthinks like I do but she rants about her thoughts I don't. I like to keep mine to myself. I hate feeling vulnerable and when I talk about my thoughts I feel very vulnerable. I hate giving people the power to hurt me when I tell people about my thoughts they can turn it back on me and hurt me.

I have really bad trust issues. Riley always says I should talk to a therapist I've thought about it but how do I tell a therapist I kill people for a living there probably not gonna take that very well. It is a little illegal so I don't blame them. I don't think any therapists are already in the mafia so it's a no for therapy.

I really wish I could just have a normal life. I don't wanna have to kill people for a living. I wanna have a normal job with normal parents and a normal amount of money. If I wasn't in the mafia I'd want to be a lawyer. I like arguing with people so I think that would be the perfect job for me. Riley and I talk about being normal a lot. She wants the perfect family. I don't want the perfect family because then I'd be bored. I want a little bit of trauma in my life to spice it up a bit.

Just when we're getting out of the car my phone rings. I nearly dropped my phone because of who I saw was calling me.

It's Evan.