Here and Lost

Chapter 10

I stood there until Alex's body was no longer visible. I turned around and began to walk down the sidewalk. I was numb, I couldn't feel a thing. Why would he just do that? I can understand him not wanting a long distance relationship but I thought he loved me. I was stupid to think he truly did love me. If he did, he would try to work this out with me. Why can't we talk anymore? He has a phone so even if we couldn't date why wouldn't we talk. I feel like I have to cry but my tears are held back. For some reason I can't cry. I just keep walking until I finally get to my driveway.
I walk through the front door and go straight to my room. Blasting music is always the best therapy. I look through my playlists and play the one titled sad💔. 'Stay' by Mayday Parade comes on and I sink into my bed. The music I listen to depends on my mood. For example in the winter I'm always depressed and I listen to heavier music and bands like Woe Is Me, Get Scared, Falling in Reverse, Black Veil Brides, and things like that. In the spring and summer I like to try and stay positive so I listen to All Time Low, Pierce The Veil, 3oh!3 ect. In the fall my main music is Ghost Town and it's my favorite band ever. But for times like today when I'm sad, it's Mayday Parade and Secondhand Serenade or any other possible band with sad songs. Why is it that I listen to sad music when I'm sad anyway? It makes no sense. All the sudden 'rip' by 3oh!3 comes on and reality hit me. When I can relate to music it makes things much worse. The lines "I can see it from the other side the grass isn't always as green the house has burned to ashes I'm no longer in between rip rip you and me" caused tears to run down my face. Tears were rolling down my face and my sadness turned to anger. I get up and walk over to my desk. I open my drawer to find my makeup bag where really no makeup is kept. I dig through the bag frustrated until I find the item I'm looking for. I hold the shining blade between my thumb and finger. I put it to my skin and stop myself for a moment. I haven't self harmed in almost a year. I've been doing so good, and Alex wouldn't want me to. Wait why do I care what he thinks. He doesn't care why should I. The frustration causes my hand to draw the blade across my already scarred wrist. I stop counting the cuts because it's pointless. I sit back in my chair angry at myself but I also feel relieved. I open the window and through the blade out promising to never do this again. Cutting was stupid, embarrassing, and if you ask me, immature. But I still do it, it's easier than trying to deal with the problem. I decide I should go to bed. I walk over to my bed and try to get comfortable. I roll side to side until it's clear I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. I'm so tired, but I cannot sleep. Keeping my mind off of Alex will not be an easy thing to do but I have to try.
***
I wake up to the sound of Woe, is me. I use loud music as my alarm clock song because it's the only thing that wakes me up. I attempt to get up but it's useless. It's Tuesday, but there is no way in hell I'm going to school today. I grab my phone from off the table and call my mom. I tell her about Alex. All I hear is silence. Wait, is she crying? My boyfriend left me and she's crying. For some reason this doesn't surprise me. She without hesitation lets me stay home... This whole week. This will give me time to catch up on work I have missed from being with Alex. Alex. How will I do work with all this shit on my mind. I fall back into bed covering my face with my pillow. I don't know how I will manage to deal with this. It all happened too fast. I was happy, for the first time since I was maybe 11. It was too good to be true I guess, I should of expected this anyway. I'll sleep. That's all. Sleeping is the best way to keep your mind off of things.