Lessons in the Occult

Lesson 6: Sometimes things don't go according to plan (By Anthony Shy)

There's this thing my mom used to tell me all the time: it is a fact of life that sometimes things don't go according to plan. I guess that's why it's important to have a backup plan. Let's say that you planned on having a picnic, but just when you walk out the door it starts to rain. Hopefully you have a backup plan like going to the movies instead. Or let's say you plan on sticking a bulb of garlic into the mouth of a sleeping vampire, but when you get close to the vampire you realize that he isn't sleeping. If you didn't have a backup plan you would probably regret it. I know I did.

As soon as I touched the pile of leaves the vampire had used to cover himself, a cold hand shot up and grabbed my wrist. I am sure I would have been surprised, except I was tossed to the back of the cave before I even had time to realize what was happening. It was a pretty rough landing, but I wasn't seriously hurt. I was pretty scared, though. I just hadn't been planning on fighting with a vampire.

The vampire started coming toward me slowly. He had already positioned himself in such a way that my escape from the cave was blocked. From the way he had tossed me a few seconds earlier I knew that I couldn't hope to overpower him. Please remember that I was pretty desperate, so don't laugh at what I decided to do next; I fell to the ground and played dead.

Once I was on the ground playing dead, though, I used what little time I had to develop a plan. Maybe the vampire would try to feed on me if he thought I was unconscious. I would remain perfectly still until he opened his mouth to bite me, and then I would stuff the garlic into his mouth. I eased my hand into my pocket and grabbed the bulb of garlic. Then I waited, trying to keep my breathing slow and deep as if I were unconscious. I really hoped that vampires couldn't smell fear, because I was scared out of my mind!

The good news is that vampires can't smell fear; the bad news is that they can smell garlic. When the vampire was just a few feet from me he stopped and sniffed the air like an animal. Then his hand shot out and ripped the garlic from me. I mean really, he ripped a hole in my pants and took the garlic and the pocket it was in. I am lucky my hand wasn't ripped off with it. I watched in horror as he tossed the garlic filled pocket toward the tunnel opening and it rolled right out. I didn't know what to do, so I just kept playing dead. I figured, what the heck; playing dead might get me ready for the real thing.