Nutella (Alternate Version)

. 70 .

"Goodmorning." Luke mumbles as he comes into the kitchen where Michael's sitting reading something on his phone. Michael looks up and frowns.

"Morning sweetpea, you're up early."

"I didn't sleep good."

"You're not in headspace." Michael observes and the blonde shakes his head and sits. "How are you feeling?"

"Not great." He mumbles and lays his head on the table.

"I'm sorry bud. Can I do anything?" Michael offers and Luke shrugs.

"I don't know. I just feel... icky."

"That's what you said yesterday." Michael says quietly, wondering what exactly lukes feeling. Luke just nods.

"Do you want to be in headspace?" Michael offers and Luke shrugs.

"I tried, I don't think I can. Maybe if I sleep, but I couldn't fall back asleep since like, 5." He explains and Michael frowns.

"Maybe a nap later will do you some good. How about breakfast for now?" The older man offers and Luke smiles and nods.

"Yes please... um, can I have a hug?" He asks shyly and Michael chuckles.

"Of course honey, always." He says and stands to come to the blonde who stands as well and enjoys a much needed embrace for a few seconds before pulling away.

"Thankyou." He feels so weird hugging Michael out of headspace but at the same time, he feels like he needs it and he's glad Michael seems so willing and non-judgmental about it.

"Of course lu. Oh, there's Calum." He says as the two hear Calum, clearly in headspace, calling "lulu? Daddy?"

"Down here baby." Mikey calls. Slow soft footsteps make their way down and Calum greets each of them with a cuddle as Michael begins making food.

"Lulu, go watch tv and cuddle?" Calum offers and Luke smiles and nods. He doesn't think he's ever been out of headspace when Calum was in it, never been big when anyone was little, and it's a bit odd, but not bad, he's sure he'll adjust. He follows calum to the couch where the brunette turns on Netflix and cuddles up to him.

"Whatcha wanna watch Lukey?"

"I don't care cali, we can watch whatever you want." Calum looks at the blonde and frowns.

"Youre big." He says and Luke agrees. "Should i be big?"

"No. I don't wanna be big, just am I guess. You can be little if you wanna be little." Luke tells him and Calum smiles and nods.

"You're okay though?" Calum makes sure, waiting for Luke to confirm before happily turning on a cartoon and pulling Luke to lay down and cuddle with him on the couch.

Luke tries to hide how gross and uncomfortable he feels emotionally. He's not exactly sure what he's feeling. He kinda feels guilty that he doesn't really want to talk to Ashton or see him, but the idea of seeing him makes him feel even worse. He knows Calum and Michael say he's welcome to live with them as long as he needs, but he also feels guilty that no doubt he causes financial strain to Michael, an extra mouth to feed and body to clothe is no small cost. Michael's never once mentioned money in front of Luke, but he's sure it's at least a bit of a burden. He can't in good conscience stay here forever and let them take care of him. He's glad they're such good friends to have allowed it for so long but that's it, they're good friends, and if he's a good friend he shouldnt impose on them forever.

Not to mention, though he's never seen or heard of it, no doubt he somehow impacts their relationship? They used to be able to spend every second of every day together. But now, Luke is there with them for all of that, and he's not really sure when they're ever alone together. People in relationships are supposed to be alone together more often, right? He can't help but wonder if they resent him at all for it, or have grown apart at all because of it, even if he's never seen signs of any such thing. 

And Ashton. Ashton must be so lonely, he's been fighting addiction practically alone. Lukes supposed to be a good, loyal boyfriend, supposed to support him in sickness and in health, through ups and downs, and where has Luke been instead? Avoiding him. Not even hardly thinking about him. Spending time with his friends and pretending Ashton doesn't exist because he's too hard to think about. Luke feels selfish. If it's hard for Luke to even think about, how hard must it be for Ashton to endure? Still, at the idea of having to live with Ashton again, he feels chills down his spine.

The trust they had was so strong, but now it just feels entirely torn apart and irreparable. He wants it to go back to normal, but the more he thinks about it the less he believes he could ever feel safe with Ashton again. What if he relapsed again? Luke never saw it coming the first time, how would he know it wouldn't happen again? How would he know he wouldn't have to endure this painful process all over again? Especially with his headspace, he just can't risk it. He doesn't want to. Anything they could get back doesn't feel worth what they lost.

He hates the conclusions he's coming to, he feels horribly guilty. At the beginning of all this, he would've said he'd never abandon Ashton, that he'd go home the second he could and love Ashton as much as ever. He does love Ashton, he's sure. It wouldn't hurt so much if he didn't, but he doesn't want to try again, he realizes the more he dwells.

Michael and Calum both notice that Luke seems to be terribly in his head all day. He sits with them for part of it, secludes himself to his room the rest of the time. But even when he's with them, he's silent and spaced out, in another world. Michael's not sure if he's thinking or depressed or if it's a strange headspace issue.

Luke tries but doesn't ever manage to nap or go into headspace throughout the day, and at night he has trouble sleeping as Calum sleeps pressed firmly to his side.