Fever Dream ~ Neymar Jr

Chapter 27

2015

"Just tell me one thing. Did you wait until after I left to tell me?" Neymar asked me.

"Please, just let me explain." I pleaded with him.

"What is there to explain Liv? You want to go to freaking Siberia for three months on another internship! When you were supposed to graduate and come to Barcelona! Isn't that what we had said we'd do? Wasn't that the plan?"

"There was no plan! Nothing was set in stone." I said, and the moment I saw his reaction I realized that was the worst thing I could have possibly said.

"Really? What exactly are we doing here then? Are we just kidding ourselves?"

"Of course not. Look, Mr. Jones came to me with this and it's a good opportunity."

"Is this really what you want to do?" He asked me.

I sighed. "Obviously I want to be near you. I miss you. But... It is something that I'd like to do, I can't lie. It's for three months only."

"But it's the three months that I thought you'd spend with me! I thought you'd come to Barcelona and then to Copa America with me! And we'd go on vacation together after. Wasn't that the plan? Don't you want to do that?"

"I do. I really do. Maybe you're right. I will tell Mr. Jones I can't do it. He'll understand."

Neymar looked at me but didn't say anything for the longest time. "You want to go, don't you?" He asked me.

"I don't know what I want! I want to be with you and cheer you on at Copa America and I want to be part of this research team and go to Russia and I want to split myself in two and be at both places at once."

"Go to Russia." Neymar said. "If you didn't want to go the answer would have been clearer."

"I don't want to lose you."

He sighed. "Liv you're not gonna lose me. I love you and I'll be here. But promise me, in September you'll come to Spain. Promise me."

"I promise."

We said goodbye then as Neymar had to leave for practice. I knew this conversation wouldn't be pleasant, but I expected him to be angry. Not disappointed and defeated and sad. Somehow that made me feel worse.

I honestly was torn. It wasn't an easy decision and while I knew about it for a few weeks now, I postponed thinking about it while I was in Barcelona and then while Neymar was here because I didn't want it to spoil our time together. And he was right, this was also the reason I didn't tell him sooner. I wanted to go to Russia. But I also wanted to go to Copa America to support him. And I felt like no matter what I chose, I'd never be a 100% okay with my decision.

I heard a knock on the door before Marina came in. "Did you tell him?" She asked me, sitting down on my bed. "How did he take it?"

"How do you think? At least he didn't break up with me."

"He is crazy about you. He'd never do that."

"I hurt him. He was counting on me. He is alone in Barcelona, always stuck in limbo between Brazil and Spain, his life there and his family back home and me across the world. He needed me there, to be his steady ground."

"But it can't be just about what he needs." Marina said.

"I know. But..." I started saying but didn't know how to finish my sentence.

"That opportunity to Russia? Those don't come that often. It's a foot in the door of one of the biggest labs in the world."

I took a deep breath. Once again, I thought of Neymar, discovering his love for football so young. He knew what it was he wanted to do with his life and even more than that, he was good at it. He was tremendously good at it.