namkook psycho

Illness

Namjoon's POV

(This is the night he knocked out Jungkook)

After I walked out of his room, I feel like my head is cracking open, 'tsk, it's starting again'. I limped as my legs turned numb again and immediately drank my meds. For all these months this shit won't spare me a night where I can peacefully sleep.

For all the mental disorders that I have this tumor in my fucking head is the most troublesome, sigh, I thought my psychopatic tendencies would help me, but it turns out I still feel pain, any types of pain at that...

(The next morning)

I didn't sleep as usual and I'm making my way to my jungkook hoping to see his smile. 'I know he wants me' I said to myself smiling, ignoring my hurting head so much that I wanted to rip my hair out.

I entered but I think my delusion that I wanted to happen was obviously in vain. I ignored how hostile he is to me and just cooked him breakfast which I never did for myself, well a burn on my hand can't compare to the pain I felt while facing him...'I never hurted him so why? I even killed everyone who hurted him including his abusive family. I never leave my house after school so I can monitor him and deal with his bullies, so why?I never touched him... I n-never abused him, so why?'

My head is hurting..aaaghh!Is all of my efforts were in vain?I wanted him, I cherished him, I spent years holed up in this quiet mansion just to support his life. I'm willing to give up my life just for him. I ignored all the signs of me dying because of this fucking tumor.

I didn't tell my friends all of this even if they asked when I first hung out with them. I laughed it off. My PTSD, from my parents who always yelled at me, not letting me eat, saying that I'm a mistake, and to me who killed them. I'm never a psychopath. I just wanted to be loved, I never knew that feeling even if I'm with my 'friends', I knew they talk shit behind my back, I knew they think I'm weird, I knew they only came to me because I'm rich, I've always known. I investigated.

I never knew my own pain because I'm busy helping Jungkook with his life, and I felt relieved and felt my pain go away when he smiles. I don't even know why I loved him this much. He ignored me because I'm a fat loser when we're in middle school, now I'm thin because of my anorexia HAHAHA but...how come he still hated me? I questioned myself as I'm walking down towards the underground where he's at and smiled hoping he would too....

But alas, he doesn't want it, I mean, he made it clear as he's stomping on the fluffy pancakes I made. I cleaned it and cooked again. Ah shit, my head is killing me, but I guess my talent to deceive anyone has come in handy now hehe.

I returned with the same food but he just threw the tray to my face. I wonder why I'm not irritated towards his actions.My head is pounding and I gripped my hair so tight most of it came off. Then I heard a snap inside my head.

I decided that maybe..... I will just let him be... yeah that'll do... I couldn't think straight, and before I knew it I finished telling him the story leaving out the part that I got raped in his place before I can kill that bastard... But looking at him now pains me... So this is my doing huh? I thought I helped you but I guess not... maybe I can't give him back his family and his happiness, but I can return his freedom.

I won't tie him in a place like this when I know I might just drop dead and he will die alone in this cold underground because I won't be able to visit him and give him food.... It's funny how I prepared all this for him to stay on one night and day... I'm at least grateful because he served as my salvation when all seems so bleak.

I walked up to him and knocked him out... I won't let him kill me, he will only suffer in jail if that happens...besides, he won't need to. I'll be gone in probably a week.. I just feel exhausted.. I didn't go into the surgery knowing I might forget him..I feel empty..

I drove him to his mansion and carried him to his bedroom. While I'm at it, I removed all the bugs and micro cameras I placed all over his house..I kissed his forehead for the last time and caressed his cheeks..'Goodbye my love'

I returned home, light headed. I got into my room and sat on my bed.. 'Here it comes' I vomited blood which pooled on my black floor, 'black floor is for this purpose' I continued throwing up, groaning. This is my ulcers tsk, fucking anorexia. I left it there too tired to clean. I put on some makeup to cover how pale my face was and called Hoseok, he's the only one who is a real friend.

"Sup, namjoon"

"Hi hobi, want to hang out?"

"Now?"

"....Yeah, are you free?"

"Of course! let's hang out, but where?"

"just....at the park."

"Okay be there in 10, see ya!"

(end)

I drove after to make sure I didn't smell blood anymore. I know his habit of smelling me.

I arrived there and waited at a nearby bench. I want to cool off. Just breathe. He arrived and we chatted briefly. He said that Taehyung is already calling him and he apologized. I just smiled.

After all this time..I realized I was never a psychopath. I just want love. That is all I ask.