this is how i cope || dnf angst

01 - thoughts

tw: self harm, ed, depression, overthinking

enjoy <3
- the story will be in dreams pov until i change it but it will say when
______
georgenotfound is calling...
decline.                        accept

I hit the accept button as I adjusted my headset
"hello?" i said over the microphone
"hi!" george said. even the most simple words he says can make me smile.
"so why'd you call?" i asked.
" i dunno, just bored i guess." George replied with, i have a feeling he shrugged.
"oh okay. so how've you been?" i asked
"i'm doing good, just been bored for the past couple hours. what about you?" George asked.

'he doesn't actually care, he just doesn't want awkward silence. he doesn't care' the voice in my head kept repeating in my head 'he doesn't care.'

"Dream?" George asked in a slightly worried tone.
"Y- yeah, i'm fine just zoned out for a second there" i faked laughed trying to lighten the mood and didn't make things turn in the wrong direction.
"Are you sure?" George asked still concerned.
"i'm fine, don't worry." i lied but extending the 'i'.
"Anyways..." i said trying to change the conversation so it wouldn't be filled with George being concerned about me the whole call and getting his pity.

"When should we film your YouTube idea?" I asked. it was the first thing I thought of to change the subject, hoping it would make him forget.
"We can tomorrow cause i'm too lazy to open Minecraft right now." he said clearly sounding lazy. i just giggled.

*Sapnap joined server call*

"WHATS MY TWO FAVORITE PEOPLE DOING IN HEREE" sapnap said yelling into my headphones.
"Just talking about my new youtube video we are filming tomorrow." George said
"Oh what time?" Sapnap asked.

As they had their conversation i just say there listening but at the same time not paying attention at all.  i let my thoughts take over my reality 'how can i get George to actually love me? am i too ugly? should i just not show my face? no i won't. he'll find me ugly and really won't love me. is he even gay? has he ever thought of me more than a friend?' i got distracted from my thoughts. Again.

"Dreeeeeeeaaammm?~" Sapnap whined.
"Oh yeah sorry. Hey i have to go bye." and with that I left before letting them say anything.

I went to my bathroom waiting for this moment since I got on call with George and Sapnap. I can finally cut myself.

It always helps me know how useless and worthless I am. I got my blade out that had dark dried blood from the previous times.
"here goes nothing." I said taking a deep breath and pushing the blade against my arm
1...
2...
3...
17...
18. 18 cuts on each arm blood running down each cut. I love the pain. As the blood runs down my arms I start feeling dizzy so I turn on the sink and let the blood wash off until the water turned clear again.

I got out of the bathroom and took off my hoodie and shirt revealing my fat stomach. I grabbed my blade once more and wrote the word 'fat' underneath my ribs all the way down to my belly button. cause that's what I am fat

I walked back to the bathroom to my scale. god i'm gonna regret this. I slowly stepped on the scale waiting for the number to come in. it's not any number it's a number to show how much less I need to eat. 162.6 lbs.

'okay tomorrow i can't eat anything. only drink water.' i thought to myself. I walked out of the bathroom and flopped on my bed. Laying there let my thoughts take me away from reality. I started out the window by my bed and looked at the moon and stars scattered around the beautiful black sky.

'why did i have to look like this? George will never love me if i look like this. i'm so pale,fat, and ugly. there's no way anyone could ever love me. each cut i've made in my body is so deserved. what if someone finds out? i'll say it's patches.'

After what felt like minutes, it was already 2 am 'shit i have to go to be so we can film George's video today? tomorrow? whatever.' i got up from bed feeling dizzy and slowly made my way to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

Once I finished I looked up in the mirror and saw someone with pale skin, ugly and messy dirty blonde hair, dull green eyes, and eye bags under his eyes. 'ha what a loser, he's so ugly.' i thought to my self. Then I realized it was me. I started tearing up. Eyes getting watery and tears slid down my face.

I went to my bed and cried myself to sleep or that me my eyes started couldn't release anymore more tears in my body. So by the time i was done crying it was 5:00am. Yeah I cried for 3 hours like a pussy. I have George's video today at 1:00pm which is in 6 hours.

I set an alarm for 12:45pm so I could get motivated to get out of bed. I closed my eyes and went to bed which was much needed after i had a mental breakdown and shit.