this is how i cope || dnf angst

06 - more streaming..

i'm writing this at 7:50am so don't mind if it's shit 😍

tw: cursing, ed, sh, blood, signs of depression (weakness, feeling lonely,etc.)

enjoy <3
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Dream pov
time: 7:15am | location: dreams room

I woke up pretty early i'd say. But I physically and mentally couldn't get up today. Thank god I didn't have to get up and fake anything today since we didn't have to stream or film a video.

I had to get up to feed patches her food though. Unlike me, she deserves it and isn't fat. I got up, immediately after i passed out for a good 20 before I got back up and used walls and furniture for support.

Once I got to the kitchen, I scooped her food into her bowl and she immediately started eating it. I smiled, seeing her so happy was heart warming. I used whatever energy I had left to make it back to my bed.

My stomach was hurting like crazy. It was cramping, empty and felt nauseous. I wrapped my arms around my stomach hoping and praying the pain would just go away.

Many minutes later it finally went away. My phone started ringing and i saw someone was calling me. My arms slowly giving out on me, i picked up the phone and answered the call.

"Hey man! How ya feeling?" Sapnap asked over the phone.

"Horri- i- i mean fine." I said. I couldn't tell him.

"No, what's wrong?" Sapnap asked in a serious tone.

"I'm just weak, exhausted and tired." I said, i knew I couldn't get out of this if i tried because I practically just told him the truth.

"I'm sorry, is there anything I can do over the phone? I mean i'm coming tomorrow so i can try to help then." Sapnap said. Right. Forgot her was coming over.

"I- i got to go and clean my house. it's a mess, bye!" I hung up the phone before he could say anything.

Then i got a text from him

sapnap
i don't mind if your house is messy. take it easy today.

me
no no i have to clean it. Bye

sapnap
no, just get some rest. please..
read 7:49am

i left him on read because I had to clean my house. It was a pigsty, clothes on the floor, many cups on tables, blood.

I used the railing for support to get down to the kitchen. I had to eat something. I was too weak and i didn't was to pass out when sapnap came. He would get too concerned.

I opened the pantry door and got some soup. I got one with less salt. I grabbed a pot and turned on the stove. Once the soup was ready I poured some of it into a bowl.

I brought the bowl to my mouth and took a deep breath. Then i started chugging it, my taste buds and stomach were so happy, but my brain wasn't.

'what the fuck.'

'you ruined it. you were 9 days in.'

'go throw it up now.'

'you won't regret it.'

'throwing it up will help you loose the fat you just ate.'

with that I ran into the bathroom and immediately started throwing up the soup. Purging was a bad coping mechanism. I just wanted to be happy. Why couldn't I be happy?

Once I was done I walked out of the bathroom holding furniture to support my weak body. I went back to my room and got my journal.

I used to write down what I was feeling and random things. I opened to a new page and wrote the date and started writing