this is how i cope || dnf angst

12 - goals

my right airpod is broken, help 🥲

tw: sh, slight ed, depression

enjoy! <3
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Dreams pov

After sapnap asked if we can set goals for me, i knew exactly what he meant. I mean i want to at least try, right?

I nodded my head and clapped and grabbed a paper and pen from my desk drawers. i sighed in relief as he didn't notice my journal.

He sat down at my gaming chair and started writing.

"okay so goal #1: 1 week clear from self harm" he said as he started writing it down.

"what!? i never agreed to that!" i said sounding pretty mad, cause i was. it was a coping mechanism i use to get rid of other pain.

"cmon dream. please?" sapnap asked as we made eye contact. I was first to break it as i looked down to the floor.

I let out a sigh before responding; "can we start with 3 days?" i asked looking at him again with my eyes gleaming from the tears about to fall down my face.

"fine.. but please don't cry dream." sapnap said hugging me and rubbing my back reassuringly.

I wiped my tears before he started speaking again; "goal #2: eat at least 2 meals a day without purging" he said and wrote down.

My mouth fell in an 'o' shape staring at him in shock. Is he trying to make me suffer more? "nonono sapnap... you're going too far with this. i can't do all of these." i said disappointed in myself because i couldn't be normal.

'why can't i just be normal?!' i internally screamed. then the tears i didn't realize i had left started to fall. I hid my face from sapnap, I couldn't let him see me in this state.

He'll see me as a fragile piece of old, vintage glass, then he and everyone else will give me pity.
I couldn't take it.

"haha okay sapnap that it.." i laughed nervously. "you can go now.." i said again looking away.

"please, dream..?" he said, pulling my jawline to make him face me forcing me to make eye contact. But bring the stubborn person i am i darted my eyes.
"dream look at me." he spoke up.

I simply shook my head and kept avoiding eye contact with him in front of me.

Then a sudden ring came from sapnap's phone releasing his grip on me, with that i ran out of my room to the backyard.

Once i was hiding from sapnap like a kid not wanting to eat their vegetables from dinner, he came outside. I stayed quiet as he was looking for me calling my name.

"clay." he said sternly. he never used my real name before or at least often. It was like your parents saying your full name and telling you to come downstairs. Yet i stayed put and quiet.

"come on clay please. i'm trying to help you." he said trying to get me out of my hiding spot, didn't work.

'he's not trying to help. he's only giving pity.' Nightmare spoke.

'i know right! i should've at least gone to the bathroom so i can do something..' i responded. i hated but i had to agree with Nightmare on this.

'i like where you're going with that dream.' Nightmare said, you could hear the smirk on his face.

'do you think it hiding spot is good?' i asked him. i had no clue how good my spot was, just decided to ask someone.

'hey, how bout we book it to the bathroom when he isn't looking. the door's close.' Nightmare said.