Imagine (Phan)

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

This night was sleepless, tiring and innocent. It was wrong to feel this way but to me, nothing could feel better. I started to like wrong feelings, they were the things and feelings that made you feel better, stronger.

I did not want to leave Dan, not even a bit and he did not want to leave either of what I have seen deep behind his eyes, in his soul.

What were we? That was another thing that I never knew and would probably never know. We were not strangers, we were not friends. We were not good friends nor best; what were we?

This really bugged me to be honest; I wanted to know to not make a fool out of myself. I wanted him, I really did, but it was not possible. He was just a crush, just a tiny crush, maybe not as tiny as I thought?

Dan made me feel something I could not explain, something deep inside of me was burning, causing me to question my own self.

I did not know anything at this point. He was pulling me down, killing me in his own ways. It was good pain though, it hurt but it was something I enjoyed feeling. You would understand.

Now, I knew what I was meant to answer him when he asked me what I felt. I finally knew that I should have told him something completely else, he was testing me. He knew and felt what I felt, exactly what I felt. Now he knows that I do not trust him well enough, I am such a fool.

I should have told him straight what I felt. Love, Heaven, Jealousy. Love, because I loved him, and I knew it more than anything. I was sure of it, more than I was sure of anything else ever before. Heaven, because he made me feel something I never felt before, he made my darkest skies go bright, my deepest waters go shallow. Jealousy, because he could not be mine. No matter what I would ever do or say, he would never be mine because it is just impossible for it to be.

Rain started to pour down the now grey clouds over the golden field, the moment was too perfect to let go but we had to.

Dan tightened his grip of my shirt and snuggled even closer up into my chest, indeed, it was getting really cold and I tried to warm him up.

“Do you feel cold?” I asked, rubbing his back and watching his head shake in a nod. “We should go; I don’t want you to get ill.”

Dan stood up and helped me up into an embrace. It could not be a hug because he held me ever so gently and delicately.

It was my now or never to just tell him what I felt but I did not, I could not. It would ruin everything. After all, how long did I know him for? We are just friends and it will stay this way, he is straight and I just know it.

We may be friends, exchanging cheek kisses, hugging and being delicate with each other. There is nothing wrong with that and I am sure that with this was it would stay till the very end, no matter how soon or how late this end will come.

He held me in the embrace for quite some time, just standing there in the cold rain, not caring about the slightest things.

To this, my friend, you should see that heaven does not always last forever. Even the brightest skies may turn black and heaven may turn to hell. But stay strong my friend, it is not the end, there is always hope.

With me, my hope was Dan, and it was all I needed really, nothing more lead to happiness in my case.

He took hold of my hand and we walked slowly up through the woods and to the other side of the river, back home.

Dan never let go off my hand, not until we reached my house where my mum was standing at the door probably worried where I was and the school has probably contacted her.

She has seen us hold hands but she did not give me any bad looks or ‘what is going on?’ type of stares. She has just seen it and that is all, she did not mind, which I was glad of.

“Where were you?” she asked, looking at both, Dan and I.

“It was fault of mine, Mrs. Lester.” Dan explained, smiling to my mum and hoping she would understand, “I took your son out into the woods to have some fun time away from school. I am sorry.”

My mum just nodded and told me to come in home so Dan pulled me into a tight hug, smiled and ran off, like every time.

“Phil,” my mum whispered, opening my bedroom door slowly and quietly.

“Yeah?” I asked, slightly confused.

“Can we talk?” I wished she did not have to do this, I already knew what it would be about.

She sat beside me on the bed and looked into my eyes.

“Who was the boy you were hanging around with?”

“It’s just my friend, Dan is his name,” I answered.

“Phil, tell me the truth, why are you lying to me?” She asked, sounding tired and irritated.

“But that is truth!” I snapped. “He is just a friend of mine.”

“Phillip, friends do not hold hands and hug! Not even mentioning running away from school together!” My mum had this way of hers to make everything sound like a drama statement.

“You don’t understand,” I talked back. “He would never like me this way.”

And this is how the truth has been told, enough to make my world blow.

(A:N. Sorry it took me ages to update, I promise to update more often in some way ^_^ Thank you all for being 'hooked' on this or how you describe it)