Exactly Opposite (On Pause)

Carly: 14

Carly swallowed two Tumbs. She'd made it to the final round and the judges were deliberating. Louise had also made it to the final round, but she didn't seem nervous at all. She seemed to calm and together as she re-did her make up, but she was a veteran at pageants.

"Do you want me to re-do yours too?" Louise asked as she reapplied her lipstick. She paused and looked at Carly's reflection.

"No." Carly slipped her her right heel and flexed her aching foot. She just wanted this night to be over so that Saturday would finally be here.

Shortly after, the program director came to their area backstage and gathered the final five remaining contestants. The judges had made a decision. Carly slipped her foot back into her shoe and fell in line.

She knew her mother was in the audience watching and hoped that for once she would be proud. She secretly wished that her father was there too. She didn't often allow herself to think about her dad. Her mother used to tell her how much he couldn't stand her. He never wanted to hold her, feed her, change her. She tried to act like it didn't phase her since she never knew him, but it cut deep.

She walked into the bright lights with the other girls, not showing any sign of pain as she fought not to limp along, she even smiled along the way. The girls stopped at their mark near the host and waited for the results.

It wasn't the first time that Carly missed having her father around for the major events in her life. She wondered where he was. The first runner up was called. Was he happy? Did he live a carefree life? Did he ever think about her or was he to busy living it up like a single bachelor?

Carly blinked as she heard her name. She breathed through the queasiness in her stomach as she came back to the present and took her place beside the first girl. Second place! Even though she hadn't wanted to do the pageant in the first place and still thought that it was a completely dumb and archaic idea, she still felt a sense of pride and accomplishment when they handed her a bouquet of roses.

She was feeling pretty good about herself for all of five seconds when Louise's name was called. Carly wanted to stomp her foot and rave like a petulant child because once again she'd been upstaged by her perfect cousin. Instead she maintained her smile and even hugged her crying cousin.

Once the pageant had concluded, Louise was whisked away for a photo op with the judges. Carly just wanted to get the hell out of there. Backstage she quickly changed into jeans and a t-shirt. She knew she'd be hearing someone's mouth about her outfit, but it didn't matter to her at this point.

She gathered up the last of her things and placed them in her travel bag, slung it over her shoulder and headed for the door only to be cut off as Louise returned backstage to change as well. Her cheeks were flushed and she was all smiles.

"Isn't this amazing!" Louise gushed at her. "We did great. We have to go out and celebrate!"

"No thanks. I'm beat. I'm just gonna go home and hit the sack." Carly tried to maneuver around her.

"Oh come on! This is our night! We have to do something!" Louise grabbed her hand just as Carly's mom approached with a huge smile and even larger bouquet of Lillie's.

Carly found herself smiling and actually contemplating accepting her cousin's offer after all.

"Look at you!" Her mother squealed. "You were phenomenal! I'm so proud of you!"

Carly stood a little taller and her heart swelled only to implode as her mother wrapped her arms around Louise before handing her the arrangement while pushing Carly out of the way. She felt like an idiot for believing that even for one second her mother would be proud of her. Her eyes became hot and she swallowed the lump in her throat.

"Thanks Aunt Liv. Lie did a great job herself, miss runner up! Second place in her very first pageant. That's amazing. Most new comers don't even place." Louise smiled at her cousin.

"Yes, well, maybe if she works as hard as you she'll come in second place again next time." Olivia sneered at her daughter.

Carly couldn't hold back the tears and she abruptly turned, walking out at a brisk pace with her head down. She was grateful that she'd driven her own car instead of riding with her mother and cousin. She couldn't stand the sight of either one of them a second longer.

She opened her car, movements angry as she got herself situated. Once behind the wheel, she crossed her arms over it, put her head down and let herself cry. She didn't know what she had to do. Nothing she did made anyone happy. She felt so stupid. Why did she keep trying?

Mad at herself, she started the car, wiping away her tears. She berated herself the entire drive home. Even a nice hot bath didn't make her feel better. She got an instant message on her phone from Blaire, but she didn't feel like talking to anyone.

Wrapped up in her favorite fluffy robe she trudged downstairs to the living room and took one of her moms photo albums off the bookshelf. She folded her feet up under her as she sat on the couch and looked over the old photographs of her parents from before she was born.

As she stared into a photo of her father's handsome face she realized that she had his eyes. Her fingers traced the curve of his jaw. You're lucky. Carly thought. You got away.

*~*~*

It was finally Saturday and in just a few short hours Carly would finally be meeting Blaire. Unfortunately, the fag that settled over her the night before had yet to lift and she couldn't make herself get excited about it.

She even considered not going at all. What did it matter? Nothing ever went the way she wanted it to anyway. She just knew something would ruin her chances with Blaire the same way they got ruined with Gen.

As she entered the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice she ran into Louise who was mixing pancake batter. Carly paused and turned mid-stride not wanting to deal with her.

"Good morning." Louise called after her. "Are you hungry?"

"I don't want anything from you."

"What did I do?" Louise frowned as Carly turned back to face her.

"Everything. You do everything and you have to do it perfectly don't you?!"

"Lie are you mad because I won the pageant?" Carly shook her head in disgust and turned to leave. "You're limping again. Are you okay?" Louise put the bowl on the counter and began to follow after her.

"I'm fine. My feet are just still sore from those annoying heels." Carly lied.

"You don't look fine. This isn't the first time I've seen you walking like that. It could be serious."

"I said I'm fine damn it. Stop acting like you give a damn."

"Lie, I'm not your enemy." Louise reached for her, but Carly jerked back.

"Pretty to think so isn't it? You just want my life. You mother's dead so you think you can have mine. Think again." Carly turned and limped away.