Shards of Moonlight || A Short-story Collection

Stop Ruining Love!

"That's enough for today.
I need to go to sleep."

I feel dirty and used.

Even though, as my boyfriend, you do not mean to use me. I know your intentions: you want to be with me. You want all of me. You want me to be happy. Just maybe you do not care as much to satisfy me. Or maybe you do not love me as much as I love you. Thoughts like these keep creeping into my conciousness, even though I hate it.

I love you. I appreciate you. I would never want to hurt you. The same goes for you. Tomorrow you have an early work day. You need to sleep. But then why. Why did we even attempt to satisfy each other when you evidently cannot spare me enough time? It feels like I am your game that you need to finish, yet you got your fill for today. While I gave you my all; with a massage, foreplay and rubbing one off for you.

I wish I understood why I feel so hurt. I do feel unsatisfied, yet that alone would never set me off this much. More the tone you voiced your wishes in. As if I inconvenience you. You want to sleep and I keep you awake. I satisfied you, so no need to do more when you don't even know if I finished. Because you do not ask if I finished. Not that that would be important anyway.

I keep staring at the deep sea blue blanket we made out on while you step out to clean up and come back to get dressed. Tears well up in my eyes, but I do not understand. Why do I want to cry? Yes, I drank a bit of alcohol. Yes, I often react emotionally.

You ask me to get dressed. I keep being silent. I fear to break out in tears if I attempt to say anything. I'd love to say: Go on, walk yourself to the gate and go sleep. After a bit you come over, I refuse you. You ask what's wrong with that puppy look and I cannot help, but love you. I do not want to be an inconvenience. Irrational. A cry baby. Like everyone thought I was till now.

"If you don't know anything, don't ask me. Google it."

"You feel wronged? How? And why are you kicking the table legs? Are you out of your mind?"

"Crying when you're hurt? That's weak. Keep it together."

No one ever understands my emotions. So I keep them inside until they burst out. And all that ever brought me were problems. So pointing out how I feel, seems like a losing battle. Where do I even start?

While you keep staying by my side, I cry. I cry because I keep being a burden. I keep you awake right now, even though you have to work the next day. I delay our biking trip as my knee hurts. I burst out in tears due to nothing going my way in front of you. I share so much with you and even made my mom cry due to the fact that I slept over at your place. And now I am making you sad. For what?

Because it seems like you do not need me the way I need you. You made me orgasm for the first time, so I feel dependent on you. Which in turn only gets me hurt. I will try and learn to pleasure myself. If I feel satisfied with myself again, maybe we can try this ordeal again. Maybe then. This will never change that I am my own person, independent.

My favorite singer once said that we all got issues.

So do I. And I am sorry. I won't ever get closure on my first love that seems to have broken me more than I ever noticed. Yet, I can try to be better. For you. To you. Because you don't deserve this. Neither do I.

Plus a Youtuber claimed another time that we should stop ruining love.

I hope not. Even though I do not even understand myself sometimes, how should you? I guess I can try explaining myself and you can try understanding. Sometimes all it takes is a simple "Sorry, I did not mean it that way". Because it sounds so wrong to me. Like you don't want to love me.

Hopefully, I will get over this tomorrow. Because this is not an issue one ruins a relationship for. Ever. I still want to be with you and you with me. So let's move on from this. I should. I will.

Thank you for being with me through all of this.