The world as we know it today was not what it once was. With arranged marriages, treats and wars, the people of that era had their unknowns just as we have ours. Just like how I have mine or at least a fear of the unknown.
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I'm currently walking to college with my iced coffee in one hand and my phone in the other. Today was an important day for me hence why my eyes were currently glued to my phone. If they called me my life was set but if they didn't well let's just say I didn't have a plan B. Jude was walking beside me trying the engage in a conversation but she knew it was no use. I was simply preoccupied for the rest of the day.
"Right come on I can't watch you act like this. It's pathetic!" she said while dragging my phone towards her.
"Come on really you know how important this is to me. What if I miss the call or what if my phone breaks and.."
"No. Just no. Didn't they tell you they'd ring you sometime past noon? It's only 9 right now." she sighed." At least come off your phone for the walk to uni and speak to me. I look like a right idiot walking beside you. Everyone must think I'm boring you to death or something!'
Okay. She was right. The university wasn't due to call me until at least another three hours but just the thought of missing it scared me. I had worked so hard to try to get onto this PGCE course that I couldn't think what id do if I didn't. I hadn't always wanted to be a teacher quite a few years ago I wanted to do some finance or maths degree to get me into a job that pays high.
Every teenager thinks about only one thing. Money. And okay I guess in a sense everyone does but when you get older the concept of doing a job you love and getting paid next to nothing outranks doing some snoozy financing job which would make you hate your life.
I had always been smart when I was younger so getting the grades to get in was not what I struggled with. So really I had nothing to worry about. I knew id get in but still some part of me thought I wasn't good enough or that my interview went horrible. It didn't and I knew that in fact, I aced the interview, the school loved me and my enthusiasm for the subject. They had actually told me that but whether or not they say that to everyone I'm not sure.
So although I was 95% sure I had gotten in my anxiety wouldn't allow for me to chill. When did it ever let me be stress-free?
I am simply so sick of caring so much for literally every aspect of my life. Even to the point of being stuck in my house not being able to leave because I was afraid of everything in the outside world.
The unknown is a scary concept one of which I don't want to delve into but yeah to put it simply I am petrified of everything. Living with a mental illness is like having a brigade blocking you from living. It's so draining that eventually, you get used to the constant cycle of stressing, bawling your eyes out and then being fine right after. then again my fine is not exactly what you call fine.
Don't get me wrong I haven't been a complete hermit, I have had previous boyfriends, went to parties got drunk just with the added stress alongside.
But to get straight to the point no one understands a person with anxiety unless they have it themselves at least from what I've seen. Everyone acts like you not being able to open a door is just an act for attention or that phone call you couldn't answer and then complain about missing was just again for attention.
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I pushed the door open to the large lecture hall. It could hold around 200 students and even then it didn't look cramped. The lecturer who couldn't care less about his life and the students who clearly hadn't had enough sleep and look like they want to die, all in one large room. What a depressing sight.
Jude and I had and always will sit at the back of the lecture hall. Although my lecturer looked like a blurry dot from this far away, it was by far the best seat in the room. No feeling of people starring at your back or people at least looking in your direction. It was great. No attention. No eyes.
However, today felt different I could feel his eyes before I saw them.
I scanned the room until I was met with the bright blue eyes of Whiteport University's own football player. I only knew that because Jude has seen me looking at him on the first day of our second year and she'd told me that he was wearing the football kit for our uni.
It was strange. We'd never talked and I wasn't sure if he even knew who I was. I mean it's not like you know who everyone is in uni because that's just impossible.
I didn't actually know his name or anything about him really I wasn't into uni gossip or even football so I never had the opportunity to find out who he was.
His glare was piercing. It must have been at least a minute before he broke our trance and turned towards the lecturer who I hadn't even noticed had walked in.
I took a second glance at him. He had a strongly defined jaw with eyes that looked like they were fog moving around in a constant circle. He wore a grey hoodie which seemed to be his only outfit choice literally ever. I had never seen him smile or laugh ever but then again id only seen him in a couple of classes or passing by around campus.
It simply was strange that this insanely hot guy chose to look at me in a room full of prim and proper girls who wore skimpy clothes and excessive makeup.
I just never expected to be acknowledged by that guy ever again.
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Every week we had Dr Hallans lecture for two straight hours. Every week we would share a glance at the start but never speak.
That went on for precisely 8 weeks. It was like we'd formed some sort of agreement that we knew the other was there but that we'd never ever spoken. I liked it, it was like a new ritual. A new routine.
"You should just speak to him. If you don't I might just run up there drag him by the ear to you and smash your heads together!" Jude whispered in my ear.
She had just pulled me out of my daydream of glaring at you guessed it, mystery guy.
"I can't. You know I can't."
"Yes, you can Em you're just scared. You know one day you're going to have to come out of your shell and be social, you can't have your only friend be me for the rest of your sad little life!!"
Jude and I had been friends since we were in nappies. We shared the same birthday December 7th so technically we met in the hospital so we like to tell everyone we met while in nappies. We then lived without each other for 4 years before meeting in our first nursery class. I don't understand how we coped. We've been inseparable ever since.
My mum would have to pull me away from Jude because is hated leaving her. The same goes for Jude's parents who had quickly become my second parents.
As always a friendship due had the sociable and then the unsociable. I don't think it is hard to know which is which.
So as much as she loved me, she loved to push my boundaries and try to get me to open up to the world. That id never, ever, ever going to happen.
"I'm only joking you know I love you anxious ball of living cells" She preceded to tell me after I scrunched my face up at her previous comment.
This was our relationship. Making fun of each other at every passing opportunity.
I just wondered if I would ever build the confidence up to ever speak to the guy in the oversized grey hoodie.
