oh, to dream..

..ONE..

I was so grateful for my life right now, and had no doubt that I had made the right decision. You see, I am the new communications intern at McLaren and it was my dream job! My dad had worked for years at Mclaren as one of the engineers at the McLaren Technology Centre. I had grown up watching the races, hearing about the teams and the goings on and knew that this was what I wanted to do. But how did I get here, I'm glad you asked!!

I had a crisis of confidence when I was 18 and somehow, my mum had convinced me Formula 1 was a 'man's world' and I couldn't get a job I had dreamed of for so long. So long story short, I ended up going to University and studying to become a Primary School teacher. I spent 4 years, thousands of pounds in tuition fees and 4 years away from home, only to discover, when I was applying for jobs in schools, that I really wasn't happy. When my lovely Nan was alive, she always used to say to me "as long as you're happy" and her words were just running through my mind every time i clicked 'Apply', I wasn't happy and I knew if she were still here, she would straight through my facade.

By the way, you should know that I am a notorious people-pleaser, as in I will always put others above myself if it makes them happy, or if it's what they want. Just take a look at my University degree and it's the first example of many!!

So anyway, I decided on my 21st birthday that I was done with appeasing other people, so I started researching ways to get into Formula one, and found that my best bet would be would be to start an internship, seeing as I had no other experience in anything relatable to this field of work. Well i mean, I could teach them how to hold a pen in the most comfortable way, or lecture the engineers on how sharing is a very kind thing to do, and even the importance of making healthy choices at lunch time. But again, I don't thing Formula 1 needs my very precise set of 'Teacher Skills', so I found a few available internships at the teams based in the UK, and applied for them all, you know, just testing my luck. Much to my surprise,  I had an offer from Williams, Aston Martin and McLaren. It took a good hour for me to calm down and stop crying.

Even though the other intern positions would probably be a little easier to get into, my heart was pulling me to McLaren and it probably had something to do with my Dad. I think it would help me feel a connection and close to him again, and who am I kidding, I think i would look GREAT in papaya orange!! Anyway, after I had calmed down, I replied with an acceptance letter and waited to hear back from them but lets just say, I was screaming internally. I'd done it, I had put myself above anyone else and I was proud of myself. I just had to find a way to tell mum, and that was a whole new situation. I think breaking the news to mum would be a lot easier on everyone involved if it was in a public place, so i arranged a lunch at our favorite restaurant.

Well  turns out I was wrong about that, after telling my mum everything, she ignored me for a good 10 minutes before looking at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm actually just really disappointed,  you would throw away everything you've worked for, for something that I know won't work out. 4 years down the drain, why Olivia?" She'd said. "It's my dream mum, its all I've ever wanted. I just want to be happy, and I think i can finally start to be, for the first time since dad died. He would want me to do this" I said, crying myself now. She paused before hitting me with what felt like a punch to the gut "I don't think he'd agree with you, he was so proud of you for becoming a teacher, making a difference to the lives of children, shaping their futures, doing something positive with your life. You've let him down and you've let me down,but I think you've let yourself down the most" and with that, she grabbed her coat and bag and left.

I don't know how long i sat there, staring into space with tears falling down my face. Somehow I had managed to message my best friend without even realising.

If ever I was thankful to have Emily as my best friend, it was right here in this moment. She knew me better than I knew myself sometimes, which is both amazing, and slightly worrying at the same time! The fact she was bringing our other best friend, Jake, with her, was another reason I loved her! The next thing I knew, the pair of them were sat either side of me, squeezing me as I let my tears fall. After, I don't even know how long, Emily moved away a little and stroked my hair "Come on baby girl, I think we should get you home" as Jake gathered my bag and phone, they helped me to stand up. We made our way out of the restaurant and over to Emily's car, with Jake taking my car keys and driving my car back to the flat i shared with Emily. This is what i needed, these people are what I needed..