oh, to dream..

.. TWO..

The next few hours passed by as quick as a flash once we had got home to our lovely little flat, not far from the centre of Reading. Just a cosy little 2 bed flat above a little Italian restaurant was all Emily and myself needed. The three of us sat, snuggled on the sofa and they waited, I mean they really waited. It was starting to get dark by the time I eventually decided to tell them what had got me into this state. My hands were shaking, I couldn't even look them in the eye but I knew I couldn't keep anymore secrets from them, im rubbish at it anyway.

"So, I've got some pretty big news I need to tell you guys, it's nothing bad but it's big, for me anyway" I start to tell them. I start telling them about the revelation on my birthday and all the research I did, the application process and then the job offers i had received and all about my choice to work at McLaren. Jake essentially gave me a literal pat on the back, "congratulations livs" he said quietly before Emily hugged me so hard I almost fell off the sofa "I am so happy for you Livvie, your so amazing! Why are you so upset though? This is awesome news" I nod excitedly before remembering I had to tell them all about what my mum had said. I start shakily and then just get more upset about what happened just a few hours earlier. Again, my best friends just hug me and tell me its all going to be okay, and you know what, I think I'm starting to believe them!

I've never been all that close with my mum, I was more of a daddy's girl growing up, I followed him everywhere, I was into watching sports with him, helping fix his car or helping do the DIY. I absolutely idolised my Dad, he was the best and most interesting person I had ever met. That was until he died, 2 years ago now, in a horrible car accident. I was robbed of saying goodbye to him one last time, or to tell him I loved him one last time, even to make him one last up of tea of an evening. I missed so much about him, but I had worked through my feelings (with the help of a therapist) and was much better for it. So for my mum to tell me that he would be disappointed or that he wouldn't approve of my choice, it broke my heart that little bit more.

By the time it had reached 1am, and we were all exhausted emotionally, and physically, Jake left and me and Em said our goodnights and parted with a quick hug before going about our bedtime routines. I popped my hair in a bun, washed my face and jumped into the shower. Once I was in the shower, I just felt numb- turning the temperature of the water up higher and higher didn't help either, it was scolding hot, but I swear I couldn't feel a thing. I finished up in the shower and wrapped myself in a towel, I quickly looked in the mirror and my skin was bright red- maybe i had overdone it a little!! I sat on top of my bed and stared out of my big bay window and into the dark sky. I always thought the brightest star in the sky was a loved one that had passed away, especially more so now with Dad so I often found comfort in the night sky but there was a thick layer of cloud covering them all tonight. I could've done with seeing some stars, tonight of all nights. I got settled into bed and pulled the duvet up and really snuggled in, there really was no better feeling after a rough day, to climb into your own bed and snuggle in.

I could feel my eyes getting heavier but decided to text Em quickly, she didn't know how much she meant to me, and I really was so grateful to have her in my life. Whenever anything was going bad, she was a constant. I'm sure she saved my life after dad died, once the grief got too much, she was thereand pulled me out the other side and told me I needed help. I just hope that one day I can repay her.