Help! | McLennon

Letting Go

"I do not believe this, John." Ringo shook his head in disbelief. "How are you? Where were you?"

"Doesn't matter where he was or how he is, he left us high and dry is all that matters," George stated, giving the lad his most acidic look. No one spoke up again until Pattie and Maureen fled the room, leaving them alone to work things out.

"I guess that means you didn't cry after me much, does it?" John joked, but it was not hard to tell that the cheeky smile on his face was forced. After his words there came a moment of tense silence again. John's hands were shaking slightly and he was tapping his food as he stared at his two mates, waiting for their reaction.

"I don't even know what to say to you," Ringo admitted honestly, gazing at George, who seemed to had calmed down a little by now.

"We are sorry about you and Paul, just so you know."

John's face fell slightly at the mention of his former partner. George sank himself into the couch and eventually Ringo did the same. From their current position they noticed the dark circles under John's eyes.

"Thanks," the lad mumbled, shifting uncomfortably. "So um- You know, how is- how is he?" he asked. He noticed the way the other two exchanged sad looks and a worried expression overtook his tired face. "What is it?"

After a short hesitation George and Ringo confided him in on the situation. He listened to it all, but didn't say a word.

The truth was that John had tried to pretend that none of that had ever happened. His time away was mostly spent in Appleton, near Warrington. It was a small town, where he knew that George's parents lived. He knew that it was calm there, so he thought of it as a good place to disappear for a while. He had done his best to forget about his life as it was, but every little thing would remind him of Paul and there was no escape from any of it. Any time he turned on the telly he would hear something about The Beatles, about Paul. His throat would clog, his heart would begin to hammer, making it hard to breath. The worst part was that no amount of alcohol could help anymore. He had gotten banned from the local bar after getting into a fight with some stupid twat anyway.

Most of the time John couldn't help but worry about how his ex-partner was doing. When those thoughts were starting to fill his head he would think of all the things Paul had done wrong and try to become angry. Being furious with him was making it harder to care. Then he would realize that he couldn't keep choosing to be angry and avoid dealing with the situation forever. Not being together anymore was a mutual decision. It was what they both needed and both thought was right. But if it was right, why did it have to hurt so badly?

There were days when John wouldn't allow himself to feel angry, at least not with Paul or himself. He would allow himself to feel the overwhelming loneliness. The kind that makes you feel like you are drowing and there is no one there to save you. He would do that until it became too exhausting. Then he would become angry again. And like that, John was stuck in a worrying about - hating Paul cycle.

Being back in London and seeing his bandmates again was making his stomach twist into knots with every next breath he took. He wasn't sure why he had decided to come back. Now avoiding dealing with his messy feelings about the situation was inevitable.

The question about Paul had left his mouth uncontrolably. He saw it on the news that Paul had sort of disappeared and he was really hoping that the lad had checked himself into rehab. Although while they were fighting John had said some nasty and unfair things about the idea, he didn't mean any of it. All he wanted was for Paul to be okay.

"We don't know exactly what's happened between you two, John..." Ringo sighed, studying his mate's white as a wall face and gave him a sympathetic look. Meanwhile John felt some uncontrolable anger starting to rise inside of him and he clenched his hands into fists, without even ackowleging it. "But we don't need to know, it's none of our buissness really."