She Devil | ✔︎

Forty-four.

It's been 4 weeks.

And over those four weeks, Kenji and I spent most of our time together.

At night, we'd fuck like beasts and be together during the day. We'd have a night out together and he'd tell me stories about his childhood.

We went on missions together. And I felt like I could finally rely on someone.

I haven't seen him since the morning. I'm missing him, but Massimo and Vince informed me that he'll be gone all day fixing his cover.

I keep busy myself to pass the time till he returns, but time seems to move at a glacial pace. I practiced, finished the files I baked, and even rearranged my entire closet.

Now I'm attempting to stay awake while watching Maze Runner for the hundredth time this week. And, to tell you the truth, I'm not even tired of it.

My mind keeps returning to the times I spent with Kenji. Why him? Why out of all the guys in the world it had to be my enemy.

I'm not complaining though.

I can't sleep; I have to be awake for him. I get out of bed, stretch a little, and quietly unlock the door.

As soon as I open the door, Kenji appears in front of me, as if going to knock.

"Holy fuck," I Whisper scream, I clutch my heart in my hands. He's only wearing his boxers and his hair is a mess. "Sorry." He scratched the back of his neck.

"I was going to see if-" I try to speak, "I can't fall asleep without you next to me," he says, interrupting me.

My heart is performing gymnastics.

"Come." I open the door wide enough for him to, remove the extra pillows off the bed, and extend my arms for him to enter.

He smiles.

Like a genuine smile.

As he breathes in relief, he draws closer, wraps his arms around my waist and his head in my chest. Slowly, I play with his hair, lulling him to sleep.

I'd never been able to figure out what love meant to me. But right now I don't need to figure anything out. I'm just feeling it.

I love him.

And that's probably a big deal for me. That's me entering a lion's den. Because loving someone entails giving everything you have to them.

It's like handing them a loaded gun and placing it against your temple while praying that they don't pull the trigger.

As though you were pleading with them not to break your heart. Also, I'm not sure how love works... Is it necessary for the other person to share your feelings to be in love with you?

And that terrifies me. That I'm willfully giving him the power over to destroy me in exchange for happiness.

I'm not sure I'm up to it.

I'm having trouble sleeping. As droplets of sweat appear on his forehead, I feel him begin to quiver in my arms. In his sleep, he begins to cry and say something.

"I love you." As he goes on with his nightmare, he cries and clutches my shirt. "Kenji." I give him a jolt. "Don't abandon me!" He takes a deep breath.

"Wake up, Kenji." I shake him even harder as his eyes open and he stands up quickly. "Diana!" He yells, his eyes darting across the room.

Diana?

"It's a nightmare." As I caress his cheeks in my fingers, I try to calm him down. "It's just a nightmare."

He stares at me, tears in his eyes, before returning to my arms and murmuring, "only a nightmare." As he gradually drifts back to sleep.

I cradle him in my arms. I wish I could battle his demons. In exchange for his misery, I would offer him the 1.5 percent of happiness I have left.

Only if it makes him feel safe and sound.

But who is Diana, exactly? And why did he tell her he loved her? Is it possible that he genuinely cares about her? Is she his ex-girlfriend?

All of this is confusing.

However, I believe the question I'm avoiding is right in front of me. Is he going to be interested in someone like me?

Will he ever love a woman who wears a perfume that smells like blood and death?

He's like snow. Beautiful but cold.

I'm curious whether he ever thinks of me the same way I do. I'm curious if he relies on my name for solace. I'm not sure if he'll ever be mine.

I'm curious if we ever overthink the same things at the same time.

But if I let myself, love, all I'll feel is pain.