Under The Lake

"I Lost Myself"

Julia watched me every morning weeks after our encounter at the lake. I felt her beautiful eyes on me day by day.

"Hi Nicole" was my morning ritual, my first words. "I still miss you. I'm still trying to figure out how you left me, why you left. Was it me? Did I not make you happy? Or were you in your own world of hate caused by something else? I tried, I really did Nic. I tried to keep our love and marriage alive and safe. You kept me in heaven for ten years and I never once thought of what I'd do when you left because my thoughts were never dark around you, I was only at peace. Now, these last two years have been so dark and the future seems so blurry without you. Life with you is all I know, I, I can't really find much reason to keep going" I stopped to clear my throat, feeling tears building up. I couldn't fight them and again I find myself crying by the lake. A man in his almost thirties at a lake crying.

"Benny why don't we hit the town tonight? Couple buds couple bit-" this was an every day question asked by Jason Wills, my best friend and coworker.

"I can't" I reply, not that I have other plans. Id just rather not be that guy.

"What better plans could you have than with me?" He asked.

"I just, don't really see the need to go out and find a hangover and STD"

"Ben, when are you gonna get back out there and shove yourself into the world! I know you loved her man, and I know it's hard" he was wrong.

"Love, I love her. Present tense, and I don't think you know Jay, I was with her for ten years. Ten years of my life with one woman, every day, and now I have to just pick up and restart? I can't do that man" it was hard talking about it, and her. I don't know which was harder, realizing I have to live without her, or realizing I can't live without her.

"You're right Ben, I don't. But would Nicole want you like this? You've been depressed for two years! It's not healthy to be like that. I miss her too, I miss seeing you happy but how long can you be like this? I gotta get back to work, try to think about it" he walked away and disappeared into the roar of car engines. I lost myself thinking about Nicole, her breathtaking smile and riveting laugh. This hurts.