Under The Lake

Free Falling

After going through nearly three bottles of scotch in a week, I let my body be sober. I'm so tired. I've slept well, that is far from the issue. I'm tired of thinking, so I've been drinking so I don't think, or at least so I don't think about her. Why do we let ourselves fall into a deep love if we know at one point in time this will happen? This deep, sharp, throbbing pain will over come out bodies and fill our hearts with this void where their name used to be and our thoughts will only be questions and memories and our eyes resembling waterfalls on most days, and blot shot on the rest. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's like committing suicide, we know the result before we pull the trigger of our heartstrings.

I stood before the barricaded lake, watching the tide rise and fall. The sun crept between the dancing trees and whispered its devilish words to me. The break of water against the wooden dock that once held me up was so familiar to me, but even Julia approaching from behind wasn't as shocking as realizing my wife might have died for me.

"Ben...I need to tell you something" I turned to see Julia as usual, looking breathtaking but even the most beautiful girl couldn't distract me from my true love.

"Ben, you're my hearts desires, your my cravings and my wishes and my excitement in the morning. I gasp when I see you, it hurts me to see you so distraught over Nicole when there's nothing you can do. So please, love me the way I love you Ben and we can move on from this. Okay I wanted to help you in the beginning, months ago I was a curious girl who just wanted to see if you were crazy or not but throughout all of this I fell so in love with your dedicated heart and romantic mind and now I can't stay away from you Ben so please-"

"Leave" I said back sharply, stopping her obviously planned speech to me. "Stop coughing up bullshit, and leave" I could feel the chill in my voice that sent her home. She wasn't in love with me, I don't know what she was but it wasn't in love. I once read stories about being in love, the deadly toll it plays. Romeo and Juliet, the jock and the nerd, all of the people who were banned from loving the other but they did anyway and it didn't always end happily. Maybe Nicole wanted to help me, by leaving so I could move on and become myself. I didn't want to move anywhere without her, so I won't.

"You know it was all for nothing Nic" I said to the water, knowing I wouldn't get a response. "If my theories are right, I won't be better without you. I read your poems, your thoughts about me being locked inside my own mental prison because of my attachment to you. That really hurt Nicole, I love you. I don't...I can't move on without you so I won't. You did it for nothing" I walked away without waiting for an answer I wouldn't get, and a note sat on my front step when I arrived back home.

"Ben, it's Sara; Nicole's Mother. I found this in our spare bedroom, Nicole must have left it by accident, it seems as though it's written for you. I hope you're doing well, sorry I couldn't stay. Be safe- Sara"

The note smelled of old perfume, flowers and desire. Sara was a nice woman, she never really showed any disliking to me. Attached to the back of Sara's note was one from Nicole, written on an unknown day. I went inside and took a few deep breaths, hoping it wasn't anything drastic. Nicole's note smelled of her Dune perfume, I pressed my nose against the paper and inhaled her scent.

"I think I want children, three of them. I want them with Ben and we'll have our own family. I want to give that to him. I'm sure you're reading this Benny, so I want a family with you. Tomorrow night when I get home and you're starting the fireplace lets get to starting the family we both want. I love you dearly, nothing can keep me from you sweetheart. I'm so happy to have spent the last ten years with you, now it's time to start a new decade of memories"

I took another deep breath, relived that it wasn't anything shocking. Now this puts me in an intense spot, because Nicole didn't seem at war with herself, she didn't seem suicidal and this note was written two years ago sometime before she died. I know what needs to be done now, I'm going to get to the bottom of this, literally.