Drarry - It Was All Just A Game (REWRITE - CLEAN VERSION)

CHAPTER 9 - CRUSH

Draco tossed and turned throughout the night. Instead of guilt and frustration keeping him up, it was now nerves and a fear of inadequacy. Because what if Potter got to know the real him and ended up hating him? Actually hating him for who he was, not the shell he projected, and wanted everyone to hate.

If you hate yourself, other people can't beat you to it.

And maybe that's why he had a mask. Maybe that's why he was so nasty to others.

And how much of the real him was Draco being on those fake dates, and how different would he be knowing he was the real Draco—someone he had only shaken hands with himself a number of times before burying him beneath the mantle his father conditioned him to have.

Who was the real Draco?

Why was this so bloody complicated? Life was so much easier when he was just a bully, and when being something Potter liked was completely different from being himself.

He rolled over in his bed, casting a lumos and checking his pocket watch periodically.

At 5:03 in the morning, Draco hesitated before he put on his slippers and silk bathrobe. He tiptoed to Pansy's door, knocking on it softly until she opened it moments later.

"Hey," he whispered.

"What do you want," she bit, her hair in disarray and eyes barely open.

"I can't stop thinking about him." His arms were crossed tight over his chest. "I'm so nervous. I don't know what to do."

"It's hours away. Couldn't you have waited until the morning?"

"It's morning, technically."

She glared at him and ushered him into her room, shutting the door. She sat on her bed and pulled her comforter back over her while Draco sat on her chair next to her desk.

"I don't understand how he can keep doing this to me, how it hasn't gone away." Draco shook his head, his throat burning.

"It's a crush. That's what happens." she yawned and rubbed her face. "I can't believe you've never had one before. Not even those stupid ones you have when you're twelve."

Draco twisted the Malfoy ring. "You know my family. I wouldn't dare to."

"Yeah. I know."

He took a deep breath. "I hate feeling so out of control."

"Haven't you ever wanted to be out of control? Just be a kid for bit."

"Being a kid gets you nowhere. Besides, I'm fourteen, not four. I'm going to be running Malfoy Manor in a few years. Playing around and dating in place of learning how to be powerful... it's a waste of time."

Pansy took a deep breath. "Your father brainwashed you. And I think you're finally realizing it."

"My father's an ex-Death Eater, in case you don't remember. You think he won't raise me to be like one, even if You-Know-Who isn't around? And dating Potter of all people, the direct antithesis of what my father stands for. Merlin, what am I doing?" He put his head in his hands. "I can't have a crush on Potter. I can't love. I can't laugh. I can't do this."

"I hope Potter changes you." She spoke softly.

He looked up at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think you could be a good person if you learned how to be. I don't want you to be like your father. He's cruel. He's mean. He's empty."

"He's powerful."

"Power doesn't fill that hole in your chest. What you're working for will not fulfill you. Ever. I know. I figured it out with my own family. They own the best banking system in the Wizarding World, and it's still not enough for my parents. They still want more money, more power. They constantly look for people to own and fees to add and lives to destroy. They're never going to be satisfied, and it's exhausting watching them."