Thinking of You

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Kaun hai jisme kami nahi hai... 

Aasmaan ke paas zameen aur zameen ke paas aasman nahi hai...

Randeep's POV:

I leaned back on the backrest of my bed, one leg folded and one stretched, my mobile lying haplessly on the bed and a cushion clutched in my arms. It had been half an hour past the reunion interview and I was doing nothing but just think about it over and over. Some statements, some proclamations, some stupid lines from the interview were playing on a loop in my mind. I was a complete mess today. What had happened to me during this vc? I was supposed to be normal... but I wasn't. I wonder why I was so 'extra' today. There was no need for it... absolutely no need. The interview could have been treated like all the other lives that I participated in during the lockdown... but it wasn't. What I had done!!! I gritted my teeth and banged my fist on the bed. It was for the hundredth time I was cursing myself.

When I logged in to the meeting, I knew I was late and Anmol and Ashi were waiting for me. I think they were talking about her show when I joined. Ashi was laughing at something... I don't know at what... Anmol must have cracked some joke. But the moment I switched on my camera, I saw her ceasing what she was talking about, her smile diminishing for a moment, and then again she put up a smile on her lips. But I could spot a difference in those two smiles. Was the later one a forced smile? I had forgotten for a moment that Anmol too was there and I was looking only at Ashi. Thank God one cannot guess where we are looking at in an online meeting. Wait!! Do we? I don't know. Anmol, being the host, took his charge and welcomed me. He quickly informed us that some of our fans would be joining us later. And before Ashi and I could greet each other, or at least before I could say a 'hi' to Ashi, he announced that he was turning the recording on and the interview would be started.

Anmol started with the introductory part of the interview and I gazed at Ashi. She wasn't even looking at the screen, but somewhere down. In a few moments, she again looked up and again put a wide smile on her face. I didn't know whether she was tired, as it was evident that she had come from the shoot, but that smile wasn't genuine. We may not be in touch in recent times, but still I've spent almost two and half years with her. I can pinpoint where she laughs genuinely and where she is just being nice to the next person by wearing a subtle smile on her face. And in this interview, I just felt that. Well, she was all smiling and laughing, but I couldn't get a genuine smile of hers. That innocent smile of hers was missing to me. And from that moment and onwards, I was only trying to make her smile genuinely, wholeheartedly, by being a little 'extra' while speaking. But nothing seemed to work much... She just wasn't in the mood. She didn't even remember properly when we met last, while I remember the exact date. 18th January 2020. I'm usually not that good with dates, but I surprisingly do tend to remember some of them. Continuing with my attempts, I sang a song for her, tried to be funny, and what not... but it was the same forced smile.

And in this over-excitement, in all these attempts of trying to be funny and make her smile, I actually uttered so many things that I shouldn't have. Anyone knowing me closely would never believe that 'I' said such things. I may behave like this only in front of Bhai and my close friends. But it was quite unlikely of me to be one such in that interview, on a public platform. I wish I could have behaved subtly. I know our fans would definitely be so happy seeing me like this and I'm happy for them too. But I'm worried for Ashi. I seriously hope that she has taken all this casually. I just hope. I am never a person who thinks about stuff that has already happened and is now a past. But tonight, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully due to this mess.

I leaned forward crossing my both legs and hid my face in my palms with a big sigh. I didn't know what I was trying to say by claiming 'mera pyar sachcha hai', I still don't understand why I wanted her to accept that she was dating that guy Aladdin... What's his name? Yeah... Siddharth. I found myself so stupid and idiotic when I said that I only wanted to work with her and it was her who moved on. But, I felt bad when she said 'hamari duniya kuchh jyada hi alag hai...' Yeah right... our worlds are so different... so different that our paths keep crossing with each other more often. Uggghhh!!!! Well, that was nothing compared to the impression I had created after this interview, the interview I was so keen for, since two days.