Finding Seventeen (On Hold)

Backseats and Squad Cars

As soon as we got into the squad car, I just couldn't help myself. 

"Can we turn on the bar lights?" 

He just turned his head and looked at me with a very serious look on his face. "Are you joshing me?" 

I smiled real big, but didn't say a word. 

He just shook his head. " The only way those lights are coming on are if you are riding back there." He pointed over his shoulder. 

I looked in the direction he was pointing and for more than one reason I felt like that might not be a good idea, or a pleasant ride. 

"On second thought, I think I'll pass on the lights." 

"That is what I thought. So you going to tell me about the time that you were in the backseat of a squad car." 

He started the squad car and pulled out onto the street. 

I couldn't help but laugh a little to myself. I wasn't shy about telling him, but I figured he'd be surprised by my response. "Which time?" 

"I should have known better than to think it had only been one time."  He shook his head, but I could see a smirk on his face. 

" The first time she made me stay over night to prove a point, or something.  The second time she was sitting in the cell right next to me." 

"Who?" 

"My mom." 

Hudson just nodded his head as I told my story. He smiled up until the point where I told him about my mom.

"Dallas and I learned to be a little careful with our youthful indiscretions. I also learned that my mom was a hypocrite. She couldn't wait to call Ryder to come bail us out, so she didn't have to spend a night in jail." 

He nodded his head as I spoke. He only different was that he had solemn look on his face. " I was ashamed to call Ryder. He'd been bailing mom out of jail since he'd turned eighteen, and there I was following in her footsteps." 

"I swore to him after that that he'd never have to bail me out again. I kept my promise." 

"When was all this?" 

" While Dallas was in remission." 

He looked over at me. " That is kind of what I figured." 

"What's that supposed to mean." I was a little confused by his statement and a little flustered by it. 

He must have understood that his words affected me, he took a few moments before he spoke.  It was as if he thinking about his words before he spoke again. 

"I just remember you back then, back when Dallas was sick and then when she was not." 

"Yeah things were strange back then. I wasn't really me, honestly I don't know who I was back then." 

"Do you know who you are now?" 

" I think so."

He didn't look at me as he spoke. "Think? You seem pretty sure of yourself if you ask me."

I pressed myself lips together tightly thinking about what I wanted to say. I knew who I was, I just didn't know how I got to where I was today. Those first few years after Dallas died are all blurred together. Sometime I wondered who I'd of been if Dallas hadn't died. If I had a mom who gave a shit about her kids. 

Before Dallas got sick we had all these plans of what we were going to do when we got out of high school.  We were going to take off a year of college, backpack through Europe, then come home move to Atlanta and work towards working for CNN.  We had always had crazy aspirations for ourselves, but between Dallas and I, we thought we could anything.