Finding Seventeen (On Hold)

I need you

When I got out of the truck, Hudson remained.
"You coming?" I looked at him curiously.
"I'll meet you out there." He said as he looked down at his phone.

 He didn't even look up at me. I stood and looked at him for a few more moments. He continued staring at his phone. In that moment I hurt inside, I hurt for me. I hurt for him. I'd lost my best friend, but he lost his wife. The person he was supposed to build a life with and a family. I imagined Hudson as father. I know that is the life he wanted. I know he wanted that life with Alley. There was no way she could compete with a ghost. His perfect person... There is no way that she could come anywhere close to that. 

As I walked to the grave site, I couldn't even think of anything but Hudson. I should be focused on why I was there. I was there for Dallas. Dallas was in the back corner of the cemetery under a large oak tree. The tree had grown so large. Seeing the massive oak made me realize how much time had passed.
I knelt in front of the head stone that read, 'She died too young but will forever live in our hearts'
" Hey Dallas, I know it's been a long time since I've been here." Those words alone brought tears to my eyes." I had to go...you know I couldn't stay. You know what it was like for me. My life was a mess... My life is still a mess." By this point tears were streaming down my face. " I tried to get it together. I tried to get my life on track but I'm a failure at life. Things were good when you were around. As good as they could be. With you, there was an escape from the craziness of my life. Dallas I miss you. I need my best friend. I know your never coming back and that's not fair. " By this point I was weeping. I knew Dallas wasn't there, she was never really there. Even after all these years, the pain seemed so intense.
I think I never let myself true my grieve. I tried to be strong, I tried to pretend that I was okay. But deep down inside I knew my life would never be the same. Dallas was the closest thing I had to having a sister.
"I love you Dallas." As soon as I said those words, I felt I hand on my shoulder. I slightly lowered my head and let out a deep sigh trying to calm my tears. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. As we stood there I felt his hand rub across my back. When his hand reached my shoulder he moved closer to me and wrapped both arms around me. Still I didn't look at him. I reached up and places my hands on his arms. For a long time, we just stood in silence. He never let me go.
It was him who finally broke the silence.
"Jules"
"Yea" I looked back at him. 

His eyes were sincere and I could see the hurt in his eyes. It wasn't just about Dallas. I knew his heart ached for Allie. In return my heart hurt for him. The moment didn't last long. There was not grand gesture. In that moment his words came quickly. 

"I think we should go"

I nodded my head, I knew he was right. 

"Let's go."

We didn't talk about what happened. He just pretended like he hadn't seen my emotional meltdown, but I was ok with that. I wasn't sure what was going on with us. I was so attracted to him but with everything going on I wasn't sure I could deal with anything more than the physical.
I knew deep down that he wouldn't settle for that and I didn't think I could accept that either.
We were not teenagers anymore. I knew women who had that kind of relationship with men. I knew that I didn't want to be that kind of women. Since kindling our friendship again, I had no doubt that he was not that kind of man. The way he loved Allie was proof of that. I wondered if I would ever love so deeply. I wondered if I would ever want a love like that, or even if I deserved a love like that.

After high school, Hudson and I lived two very different lives. Hudson found love in Allie. He found the women he was meant to spend his life with and for a short time he lived the ideal life. At least the ideal life that Dallas and I used to dream about. He settled down, started a family, and knew what commitment meant. He didn't have to wonder what life on the other side was like. He was living that kind of life. Dallas and I used to fantasize about meeting the men of our dreams and having a life just as Hudson had described with Allie. Dallas wanted so bad to be married. She said she would meet him in college, they would get married after graduation, and two years into marriage they would have their first child. The conversations seem so fresh in her mind. They would lay down on Dallas's bed and talk about so many things. It broke my heart that Dallas would never have any of the things that she longed for so badly. She wanted all these things that she would never experience, she dreamed big. She always thought she'd get better, even in the end. She still hoped for a normal life. She never got that life and I never had the life we talked about either.

I dated Jeremy all through college. It was never serious. You would think being together for four years would mean so much more than it did between us. When graduation approached we both knew that the relationship wouldn't make it past graduation. We both knew it from the beginning. I loved spending time with him. I loved so many things about him, but I wasn't in love with him and he wasn't it love with me. The funny thing about it is that we were happy together. Our friends were surprised when we split. They said we seemed so perfect together, we never fought because we were content with the way things were. He was the closest thing I had to a best friend after Dallas. Our relationship wasn't intense or deep enough to fight for. 

After graduation we went our separate, but out of habit we stayed connected until he met Ruby. As much as I wasn't a threat to their relationship, she didn't understand how after four years I wasn't. Things got serious between them really fast. They were engaged within six months and married after a year. I really liked Ruby, but in the end I lost my best friend. I would run into them occasionally because the few mutual friends we had stayed the same. The last time I saw him, he was carrying a two year old and Ruby was pregnant again. 

As we drove, I turned to Hudson and tried to ease the tension by trying to connect with him, but the words did not come to me. He gave me a half-hearted smile. I wanted to say something,  but I didn't. As we continued to drive, I  began to look around. It was hard to imagine that I hadn't lived in this place in ten years. I had so many memories of this place. As bad as things were back then, there was things that I loved about this town. The laid back atmosphere, the back roads and knowing that anywhere you went you were guaranteed to know someone. As much as I loved those things, there were things I hated. The aspects that I hated the most was the small town mentality, everyone knowing everyone else and having lack of privacy. Growing up everyone knew my mom was a drunk. The town was a continuous and everlasting rumor mill. The frequent visits to jail for public intoxication and disorderly conduct always spread fast. When I was in high school, I could remember walking down the hall to stares and whispers after an incident. At first I was embarrassed, but after a while it became so frequent that it was something normal to my everyday life. I had faced the fact that my mom had been a drunk my whole life, nothing or no one was ever going to change that. We all knew it, the whole town knew it. If she wouldn't even change for her kids, who would she change for. 

I hated thinking about my mom, it always brought up so much emotion so much hatred. I loved her because she was my mom, but I hated who she was. I let out a deep sigh. I tried to erase the thoughts of my mother from my mind. 

I began to notice that we were not traveling in the direct of Ryder's home. I didn't recognize the roads we were traveling. We on the outskirts of town. I wondered where we were going. At first I didn't question it. I had  faith in Hudson that he knew where we were going and why we were going there. Before long curiosity got the best of me. 

"Where are we headed?" As soon as the words exited my mouth, he began pulling into a driveway. It was a small country house with a white picket fence. A porch wrapped all the way around the house The yard was equipped with a wooden swing and a large chocolate lab that barked as we we pulled up next the house. 

He didn't speak, so I spoke again. " Where are we? What are we doing here?"

Still he didn't respond. He smoothly exited the truck and quickly came to open my door. As soon as I stepped out of the truck he grabbed my hand and began almost pulling me along. Again I repeated my words. 

"What are we doing here?" 

Finally he spoke. "Jules, just hush and follow me." 

I was surprised by his words, but did as he said.  When we reached the door, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys. He opened the door with urgency . As soon as the door opened he pulled me inside and before I knew what was happening he had grabbed my face and was kissing me. With no thought of day we'd shared, I was kissing him back. My thoughts were clear and in that moment I knew that I was in trouble. I was unknowing and unwilling falling for him.