Hindi Tayo Puwede (BL)

iv. ako

The first time I saw you—I instantly thought of summer.

A dazzling, brilliant, and warm summer—that was you, Lukas.

You were the blues, the yellows, and the reds of the season. You've reminded me of the smell of the sea, the sound of crashing waves, and the comfort of fine sand beneath my feet.

When I first saw you, the memories I had wanted but did not have flooded my mind.

Pinaalala mo sa akin ang mga panahong hindi ko na matandaan... ang mga panahong wala sa aking mga alaala dahil nabuhay ako sa walang katapusang kadiliman at taglamig.

Habang tinitingnan kita, napapaisip ako kung ano nga ba ang magiging kinabukasan ko kung makakatanggap ako ng init na kaya mong ibigay...at liwanag na kaya mong i-alay.

Damn.

Napayuko ako at napabuntong hininga.

Hindi ko inaasahan ang emosyong lulunod sa akin pagkakita sa estrangherong may magandang mga mata, o ang mga emosyong gustong umapaw sa akin nang kabado akong mapangiti sa kung ano man ang sinasabi sa akin ng matandang kausap.

The feelings were new to me, Lukas, and I was scared.

I was overwhelmed.

"Gin? Are you alright?"

Rinig ko ang tanong sa akin ni Mrs. Grivialde, pero hindi ko ito pinansin at ibinalik ang tingin sa'yo—sa taong bigla na lang nagpakita at nagpagulo ng buhay ko.

No, I wasn't alright.

I was suffocating. I was drowning. I couldn't breathe.

It was really overwhelming.

"Y-yes," I managed to choke out. "Everything is...okay. I'm sorry, but what were you saying again?"

"Oh, I am just asking you if kailangan mo pa ba ng dorm or if you're really fine living alone...? You're still in high school. I know you lived abroad at nasanay ka na mag-isa, but I talked to your aunt and...."

The old counselor drawled on and on, but I wasn't listening.

My attention kept coming back to you.

To the boy that looked like a splash of colour on a blank canvas—to the boy who made my palms bled bullets of sweat and who made me feel that I was constantly falling—falling from some unreachable heights.

"Gin, are you done eating? Do you want me to tour you around the school first?"

Tumango ako kay Mrs. Grivialde at sinubukang tigilan na ang pagtitig ko sa'yo. Kasama mo noon si Aki at bumibili kayo ng tubig. You were talking animatedly with him. You were smiling—grinning ear to ear as if everything in your life was going as planned. Ang lakas ng tawanan ninyo at malamang ay hindi mo napansin ang isang kagaya ko.

I was always the nobody anyway. Sanay na ako.

Even the sun wouldn't look at the moon, right?

"Are you listening to me, Gin? What are you looking at?"

Hindi ako makahinga.

"Nothing," I lied as I stole another glance.

Nakasuot ka ng ordinaryong uniporme pang P.E.—puting t-shirt na mas malaki pa sa'yo at pulang pantalon na malamang ay hiniram mo lang din kay Aki—basa ka ng pawis, magulo ang iyong buhok, mamula-mula ang pisngi at mukhang babad ka sa arawan...ngunit kumpara sa akin, ay mas mukha kang buhay.

Compared to me, that was full of gloom and doom. You were like a painting of all that is gold and bright.

In a room that was full of black and white, of grays and colours of dirt, you were the only one who remained colorful, bright, and alive.