How To Destroy The Universe

Tending to the wounds

'Oh gosh,' said Tatiana, tending to my bruise by placing a ball of non-bloodstained cotton wool under my nose. 'You're bleeding. And you have a black eye. How many times did he hit you?'

'I don't know,' I said. 'Like, many times. I just fell down and then I didn't get up and he just kept hitting me.'

She gasped. 'Oh god. I am sure he will get fired now.'

That's good, I decided. And also, having a broken and swollen face is still a good price to pay for having said that. I feel much better.

'You know, the whole building rooted for you. You're the only one who could stand up to Robert. Or, how we call him, Bobby-the-Belly.'

'I know how we call him,' I said, putting her hand away. 'I was the one who came up with it.'

'What? Really? Wow!' exclaimed Tatiana. 'That's very funny!'

I looked at hear breasts and smelled her cheap perfume. For some reason, now that I saved the Universe, met two aliens, killed one, and got fired, it actually turned me on. It felt like mid-war. And sex mid-war was always good.

'Listen, do you still want that dinner date with me?' I asked.

She sighed. 'No, Jack. I can't. Sorry. I know that I promised you but I have other plans tonight. I am going out with someone.'

'Really? Who's the lucky guy?'

'It's not a guy. It's actually a woman.'

'Oh,' I said.

And decided to leave it at that. Perhaps it's for the better.

'But don't worry. We'll find you someone special,' she said and rubbed one of my cheeks. It hurt.

'Ouch!' I yelled from pain.

'Sorry! Let me tend to your wound one more time,' she said with a heavy Russian accent.

'No thanks. I am fine now.'

'Oh you're mad now.'

'I am not.'

'Yes you are.'

She looked at me with the face of a woman that wants to feed you.

'I am not.'

'You are. And you know what? I want to make it up to you! I will reimburse your travel and I will do anything you ask. Anything except sex.'

I laughed. 'Alright. I do have one favour. Since I am out of here. Can you make sure my interview with Stanley Doyle goes live? Headline: LAST INTERVIEW WITH THE LEGENDARY PHYSICIST. Here's a tip: he died. Or, rather, disappeared from CERN in Geneva. And nobody has seen him. The New Observer will be the first one to talk about this story. I am sure the ratings will go up. And you might even get promoted.'

'Oh my god! Sweet Mother Russia! This is not a favour, this is a gift! Did you get that photo of him?'

'I did. I'll send them to you by email.'

'Alright my boy. You're so good to me. Maybe you do want to have one last sex before you leave?'

Her lipstick was rose and her makeup was red. She looked disgusting.

So I did have sex with her on the table of her office.

I tried not to look at her or smell her while I did it. Instead, I thought of all the pretty girls I've wanted to date in college, but never did. I thought of the craziness of the past few days. I thought of what I said to Robert and how I made us both get fired.

And for the first time since childhood, I felt proud of myself. I felt confident that I could be anything, and do anything. Even save the Universe.

As I was nearing the finish, I looked at the glass door with a pink label that said HEAD OF HUMAN RESOURCES.

At one point, I thought I saw a familiar human face of an alien wearing black peeking through the door, watching us.

He was smiling.