Do Not Go Gentle

Chapter 6

{ It looks ugly, but it's clean. Oh, mama... don't fuss over me. }
- Hozier

〰〰〰〰

I awake with an aching in my chest; the kind of ache where every part of you feels like burning. The fireplace in the corner had been lit, its piercing glare warming my irises. I sniff, turning my head back to the ceiling, my lazy gaze following. A dark mantra of colors and feelings hit me with a bubbling ebb as I stare dizzily into the tide of the cool air above. My arms feel heavy as I attempt to lift myself to sit. My head spins as I brace myself for another sleepless night to close. An unwelcome parade of light surges in through the lacy curtains of the widow to my right, making my stomach twist in knots at the thought of the masquerade I am forced to put on day after day.

I'll never be who I strive to be. I'll never be noble and strong; commanding my people from my perch on high. No. Instead I will always be small. I will always be heart-wrenchingly weak and fragile. I will always fein power, though I am the one who is being controlled. For I am ugly and demonized. I am grossly prideful, though truthfully I am like a frightened deer. And if this is the way the world truly is, I desperately need someone to hold me. I need someone to save me. I need someone to love me. I need to be loved, for there is no place in this world for someone like me. I need to be loved. I need to feel Sebastian's arms around me as his lips graze across my skin gracefully. I need to feel his fingers pressing against my thighs and hips... enveloping me fully.

I close my eyes as my own fingers wander to the crook of my neck, to the place where Sebastian's tongue has been dragged along. The pads of my slender digits press and knead that spot that drives me to madness, and I sigh deeply. I let my hand fall away like broken petals falling in the wind, opening my bicolored eyes. I can feel the silence in the room, now. I can feel the grogginess of dawn fading away slowly as I can feel the space around me.

As if on cue, Sebastian's footsteps sound through the walls as he approaches. I stiffen, waiting for the heartbreak and disappointment that follows him like a shadow to plague our every move. I let my hair fall down to cover my eyes, keeping my head cast downwards, now. My neck aches. I can feel my breath coming in short. the door opens. He steps inside.

"I see my young master is already awake."

I refuse to look at him, keeping my eyes cast down to my fidgeting fingers.

"I am."

He walks over to my dresser, pulling out some remnants of fabric to adorn my body with. The threads he pulls are black; a resting color for my tired eyes. I shift over to drape my legs off the side of the bed.

"What's the schedule for today?"

I ask in a flat affect, now staring blankly at the maroon colored draperies by the desk and dressers.

"Lady Elizabeth is scheduled to arrive today, sir. I trust you are in good enough company to entertain?"

He asks passively, not looking at me. Though I know there is a dark, dark smirk resting just behind his lips... between his teeth. I shift my eyes up to the ceiling, blinking rapidly to ward away any moisture gathered there. Of course he knows I am in no such company... or at least he should, by the way my breath leaves me so shakily.

"Very well."

I reply in a haste, slightly shivering at the way his hands stroke my calves as he rolls thin, black socks over them and up to my knees. He buckles the garters, standing to fetch my rings and eyepatch from the crystal dish on the night stand. I hold out my hands and close my eyes... and I can almost feel Sebastian's smirking as he worries the rings on to my fingers.

I almost shudder violently as the cool metal touches my heated fingers.

"What time is Elizabeth scheduled to arrive, then?"