Do Not Go Gentle

Chapter 16

{ And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting on the Pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door.  And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.  And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor.  And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted - nevermore! }

- Edgar Allan Poe

〰〰〰〰

And then the snow melted.  Spring came.  And everything was painted golden.  Today is the day when I shall officiate my marriage to Elizabeth Midford.  Today is the day when I must say goodbye to the fantasies of the past and face a newer, harsher reality that has been weaving its way through the pines since the day I was born.  I have never been so afraid.

I straighten my baby-blue bowtie.  Elizabeth never truly gave up her knack for fashion and design... even made a career out of it; selling her paintings for hundreds of dollars.  The manor is thoroughly decorated in her beautiful artwork.

"Master, may I come in?"

A rapping is heard upon my chamber door.

"Yes.  Do come in, Tanaka."

The old, wooden door creaks upon its weary hinges as the old man enters the room.

"My, my... you do look quite dashing, I should say."

"Why thank you."

I reply with a quaint little smile.  This is not what I wanted.  I should have been dead five years ago.

"You are needed at the alter, sir.  The ceremony takes place in five minutes."

I nod politely, making my way through the empty hallway, the sound of my dress shoes ricocheting around the stone walls.

The church is huge; its archways rising high into a vast, circular ceiling.  The isles are adorned with blue ribbons and bows, and the excited chatter of guests can be heard from outside the large, double doors to my right.  I walk up to father Michael, and he turns to me expectantly, a smile plastered upon his lips.

"Ah!  Earl Phantomhive!  It's a big day, is it not?"

"Oh, yes.  It is one we have been planning for months."

I smile warmly at him.

"Nervous, are we?"

I chuckle, becoming more uncomfortable as the time passes agonizingly slow.

"Just a tad bit, I suppose."

He smiles again, guiding me with his hands to where I must stand awaiting the bride... awaiting the bride I never wanted to marry.

"You may now open the doors for our lovely guests!"

He calls to Bard, whom opens the doors for the guests with his white-gloved hands.  I sigh, spotting Finny through the dark hallway, rings in hand.  I look out through the window as the guests are seated.

Then spot something rather peculiar:  A streak of black beyond the cil.  A mess of obsidian feathers and a beak of ebony.  Glowing, red eyes that have every seeming of a creature from hell; a raven.  And I must stifle the gasp that arises from my dry throat.  My body becomes as stiff as a tree in winter and I simply cannot tear my eyes away from those wine-colored ones... those old, wise orbs that seem to have known me forever. 

"Perhaps you're a bit more nervous than you thought, eh"?

Father Michael chuckles... but it sounds as if he is speaking to me from the bottom of a dry well.

"Perhaps."

My voice sounds distant, wavering in my lungs.

No.  This simply cannot be... can it?

"Don't worry.  I was nervous too.  But she'll make you happier than you've ever been before!"

He places his broad hand upon my back as he glides into his place behind the altar, his robes swooshing like a never-ending tide.

And I cannot tear my eyes away... not until the music starts.  I barely register what he's saying and what is happening.  I recite every girl as planned... as expected.  But even when I utter the words

"I do."

I glance softly across the isles to see the bird still sitting... waiting.  And when father Michael commands me,

"You may now kiss the bride!"

I lean in, wrapping my arms around her... kissing her softly.  But I still feel... I still see his eyes upon me.  For I did not close my own.  I did not feel anything at all other than his cold, piercing glare.  I still wanted those lips to be his.

And I smile at her when I pull away, praying that I did not falter.  Though I feel as though everything within me has atrophied.  I cannot escape.  I cannot win.  Darkness overpowers me.  And I am afraid that it will consume her, too.

〰〰〰〰

The reception was lovely... and lonely.  We danced until dawn.  But the raven never left.  The raven will never leave.  And when we took our carriage home, I saw those wings flying away into the trees.  But I still felt its gaze upon my neck.  I will always feel that gaze upon my neck.  I will always feel him, just beneath my skin.  Even when I am eighty, and my children and grandchildren are crowded all around my deathbed I shall still not escape his touch.  For I know exactly where I am going; where I have always been destined to go.

When we reached home, my once-finance was asleep upon my shoulder, and the sun was rising slowly over the horizon.  I carried her to bed, and Tanaka helped me settle her upon the satin sheets.  I smiled at her sleeping face.  She deserved so much more than this.  She deserved someone whom could love her completely.  She deserved so much more than me... than this cursed family.

And when my gaze and body were drawn to the window, I saw everything that has ever been, and everything that ever will be.  I saw my grief, my sorrow, my loneliness and hatred.  I saw golden flecks of sunlight flooding the streets below, and I saw those streets decay and be built up again.  And just beyond the trees, in a spot I've never once gazed upon before, I saw a flash of raven hair and crimson eyes; an apparition, perhaps.  But then I saw those wings again.  And I watched them fly until I could not see their darkness any longer. 

"I love you."

I whispered so that no one could hear me.  And I was sad... and happy. 

"Do not go gentle." 

I did not go gentle.  But I felt a single, hot tear roll its way down the side of my cheek.  Though I was tired of crying... so I wiped it away.

And then I felt an ancient hand upon my shoulder, and I heard Tanaka's withering voice,

"Smile boy... it's sunrise."

And I did.

Do not go gentle... I love you.

I love you.

Fin.