Do Not Go Gentle

Chapter 12

{ Blood is rare, and sweet as cherry wine. }
- Hozier

〰〰〰〰

I stand there for a moment. I stand there trying to comprehend... to compute what's just happened. And I try so hard not to react... I try so goddamn hard. But then I scream. I scream with everything I have. And it is filled with every single emotion I've kept within me for years. My vision blurs and I begin to sob... my chest is burning like there's an entire forest on fire in my lungs. I gasp, unable to catch my breath as I sink to my knees several feet away from the two. I sink my nails into the crown of my head, trying to bring myself to look up... to go to him. I'm sure I am creating bloodied crescents where my nails are burying themselves into my scalp. But I just continue to scream... my inability to look up growing stronger with each breath that evades me. I know that there is blood splattered all across the pavement, for it reached my feet and is soaking through my shoes.

I hear Grell's insane laughter right before I hear his body hit the floor. I look up, tears streaking my vision and rushing down my face as my expression contorts into something less than human as a great wave of grief sweeps me into oblivion. The wound in the reaper's side is gushing blood as well as his mouth and I feel sickened as he stares expectantly into the sky, dropping his now dead weapon to the ground.

A long, beautiful reel of images parade out of Sebastian's chest like hypnotized eels as they reach further and further into the sky. It's his cinematic record. I sob again, covering my mouth with my hand as I watch this phenomenon spill out of my butler for the second time in my life. But this time is different. It is not meaningless. It is sad and unfinished and disappointing;z just as Grell wants it to be. It's full of debauchery and is fulfilling to all of the reaper's sadistic needs. But the pictures bombarding my senses are filled with everything I loved about Sebastian. The way his hair falls over his eyes every time he bows to me... how his lips curl up into a smile whenever I order him to do my bidding. Every time he looked at me... every time we spoke or exchanged a glance or a flitting touch of the hand. Every moment we spent while I was wrapped in his embrace. Every moment, every moment... Every moment.

And every time we kissed... every single time. Every time his lips moved with mine. Every time my delicate fingers curled around his shoulder... into his hair. Every time I was swept away into a reality that never was, and never will be. It hits me like a train, and the wind is completely knocked out of me as the images spin faster and faster... as they replay his life in circles; weaving them into something worth dying for. Weaving my life and word and world into something glorified and subsequently endearing and heartbreaking. And my heart is breaking. It is shattering further than I ever thought possible... sinking deeply into the mass of sadness I've kept at bay for an eternity. But everything is spilling out of me... out of him... all at once. And I can't breathe anymore. I can't think or even react as Grell mumbles something inhuman and the images spiral away all too soon. I pull my pistol from my coat. And I relish in the moment that I shoot him in the heart. Once... twice. Three times.

Everything is all too quiet. The gun I hold clanks against the pavement when I gratefully discard the devilish thing. I slowly drag myself over to where Sebastian is laying... barely breathing on the ground. His gaze slowly dances from the sky to my eyes. There is blood everywhere... everything is stained crimson... stained in and with sadness as the worlds between life and death intertwine and wrap together; catching me up in the feelings of it all. I feel like I am going to expel everything from my stomach. I feel like I am going to expel myself with it. I swallow hard, beginning to sob again as my gaze is torn away from his and onto his body. There is too much blood covering him and I cannot see anything anymore. I look back up to his beautiful face that is splattered red... then up to where his arms are splayed brazenly... pinned to the ground.