Do Not Go Gentle

Chapter 14

{ Open hand or closed fist, oh it'd be fine. }
- Hozier

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"Poor master... you can tell he isn't doing well. It's almost like after Sebastian passed he just doesn't care about anything at all! I mean, he was an awfully sad boy before... but Sebastian made sure to take care of that, didn't he?"

Meylene's scratchy, hushed voice filter's its way through the heavy wooden door to the kitchen. I'm sitting on the other side, leaned against the wood. There are tears streaming down my face and neck... clouding my vision into little specks of starlight. But I'm not even sobbing anymore. I simply don't have the strength.

Meylene is right, though. But it isn't that I don't care... it's just that nothing matters. My spider thread... my only hope and salvation... the only thing that let me keep holding onto the hatred that made my whole... was Sebastian. Yes, he was the only thing that mattered. And without him, all else is falling away into dust and decay. Everything I knew and or know to be true is disappearing. I feel as though I am going mad... insane with the belief that I ruined myself for nothing.

But at the same time, I miss Sebastian. And I think I always will. Because it feels like this immeasurable sadness can never be forgotten in a lifetime. Anyone's lifetime. Not an eternity can fix this longing settling in my stomach and chest... this utter destruction I am... that I have become and am becoming. Because the only thing to add reason to my chaos was to have chaos himself nipping at my neck... at my feet. And bowing to me like a dog. Like a hound... a fein. An immaculate being made of everything I once loved. Something debauched... beautifully so... that promised a bringing of light filtering through leaves made of spiders and snow. But things like that... like us... simply do not mix.

I start to shake. I try to stop the fidgeting of my hands but I can't. So I get up. I wipe my tears away with my expensive silk sleeve and pace the hallway for a bit, my mind in a state of chaos. My fingers twitch and shake... and so I start to lace my fingers together. I rub my thumb across the other but my digits just won't relax. I run them through my hair, pulling at the ends. I run upstairs, my feet echoing around the empty hallway... echoing around my skull and bouncing off of every thought I have.

I get to my room and step inside, shutting the door behind me. I sink down the back of the heavy wood, my knees refusing to hold me upright any longer. I stare out the foggy window pane, wishing that if only I could wipe away my sorrows onto that glass, then perhaps the clouds outside wouldn't look so sad... so lonely. And they do look lonely and sad. Perhaps even more so than I, for they have no choice in their demise of falling apart. I didn't either... at least until the only thing keeping the clouds in my life afloat went away.

And then those inescapable clouds begin falling from the sky. The rains of late fall are always frigid. They always start out light and dreary... then they begin to pour... to cascade down your window in torrents of cold, icy sheets of freezing water. It has yet to turn to snow, so far... though the air around everything is chilling... becoming inexplicably quiet. Quiet because Sebastian isn't here. And I've been feeling as though something is wrong. Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong.

I haven't lost it in days... but now I cannot stop the tears from coming. I cannot stop the wracking sobs that fill my body and spill out of me like the fallen clouds will spill from ditches and washes once the rain stops. I haven't lost it in days, and yet, now I cannot stand how lonely the rain makes me feel... how quiet the world is without Sebastian. And so I don't even hide my face. I just lean my head against the door and llet the sobs and cries come out; the silent screams and shaking hands... shaking body. And there's this feeling gathering in the pit of my stomach and I don't even want to take the energy to harm myself anymore. I don't even care if I deserve this anymore... I just need it to end. And I do believe that this is the lowest a human can sink. I'm sunk down with the tears covering the top of my head, a chain attached to my ankle. And I don't want to take the energy to save myself from drowning, either.