13th Street (Poly)

Azure's Guilt

009
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     "You'll do nothing, Jackson." A very firm and controlled voice spoke from my back.

     Lantice was standing from behind the sofa with Dustin and Ashnier who seems like they've seen a ghost and probably mirroring my very emotions right now. Qen was also behind him, standing and looking at me without any hint of emotion, or is it just me who couldn't read what he was thinking. Maybe he was disappointed that I was actually thinking of kissing Jackson even though I can't. We haven't even spoken to each other eversince my first day meeting him. His playful personality seems to disappear as if it was never there, as if our first encounter never happened, as if I didn't exist at all. I don't know if he really is avoiding me or is it just me who can't muster the courage to apologize properly. I don't even know what to do and now I'm in this situation that is so embarrassing I could die.

"Okay, fine~ I didn't even do anything." Jackson back off raising both hands as he stood and wink at me. "Yet."

"Will you stop flirting now? It's not even a week long and you're already all over him." Linx the very handsome twin said walking towards me, helping my pathetic self who seems so embarrassed to stand up. I probably look more pathetic sitting there looking so flustered anyway.

"That's some control you have there, Sir~ hahaha." Some of the men who woke up from the little yelling laugh with Linx but some don't specially the people who actually, well maybe, saw what just happened.

"I didn't do anything, Okay? And is it even my fault? Hah! I know alot of you are barely keeping your dicks in your fucking pants right now! I'm not the only one wh--."

"You know the rules, Jackson!"

Lantice did anything but yeld, he was calm but it was a collected anger that I often encounter in the books, the calm before the storm. Jackson was also trying so hard not to yell but he was failing. They were clenching and unclenching their fist and I could almost hear their teeth snapping. That's exactly how I remember when my father was livid about something, he would go about everything without sense destroying anything in his way. It pains me seeing them like my father, and I'm the reason once again.

"I didn't do anything!! I won't!!" Jackson said with conviction, looking at Lantice as if he was fighting an unknown force that was oozing from the more dominant male. "I won't touch him nor think of him that way, I already lost my interest, tsk." He then looked at me and said the most unexpected word I wish I didn't hear.

"His just a kid, anyway."

     I stood still, I don't know what face I'm making right now, I just watched Jackson leave the room. I can't even utter a word, what he said didn't sink in at all.

     The silence last for a minute, we are all transfixed not knowing what to do or say, or maybe it's just me again reading the atmosphere wrong. But it was quiet, enough to hear my stable heart rate slowly increasing by the second.

     I'm afraid to looked behind me where Lantice and the others were. I'm afraid to see those disappointed looks of pity and... and maybe anger? I'm afraid to looked behind me and see their disgusted faces or the confirmation of what Jackson said. It didn't sink in! or I just don't want it to sink in me that I am but a child in their minds.

"What's going on here?" Elijah asked walking towards us with Enzo in his tail with both disheveled hair and shirts coming out of the toilet. They looked like they just run a whole lap in the building up and down and up again.

    I can't seem to look anyone in the eye right now so I didn't even hear the answer they gave Elijah. I can't wrap my thoughts right and I'm a mess right now with all this pain in my chest. I almost wanted to let my tears down as I met a particular gaze. He was just looking at me with those soul piercing eyes that seems so distant and analyzing even. I was so shocked and embarrassed that I can't look away from Canary's deep emotionless eyes. Why is he looking at me like that? Did he know? I felt too guilty and the feelings I wanted to confirm was like stuck in my throat.

"Sky." I was then brought back to reality with Elijah's hands in my back. I looked at him in surprised and he looked at me with those concerned eyes. Why? Why are you looking at me like that? What wrong did I make?

"I'm s-sorry." Was all I could muster to say as I make my way out of their suffocating eyes. I hate that they pity me more that they care. I hate that I can't think straight and assume all the way till I was hurt like this. Father was right after all. I don't know how to love properly so how am I supposed to be loved in return.

     I run, run faster that I ever had towards my room. I even saw Mom on the way, she called me but I never looked back. I run and run and run again until I reach my room. I slammed and locked the door, maybe I was just so frustrated but I can't seem to find any lock, tears slowly make it's way in my eyes as I remembered something very important about the house,  I almost forgot a simple rule, we are not allowed to lock any door! Fuck how am I supposed to lock the damn door now? My tears keeps on falling and finally my strength gave up on me too, so I have no choice but to just dropped in my knees giving up on the handle. Why the hell am I so helpless?

     I didn't know why, neither I know the reason behind my slowly breaking heart. The pain is slowly creeping in my chest that it's like it is breaking into pieces inside and I can't stop it. It hurts so much more that my bruises or my thumping headache. Why though?

    Who am I kidding? I know exactly why, it was always like this and I'm actually pretty much aware but I just couldn't admit anything to myself, I don't even have the time to think properly because of the happenings that seems so fast and blurry all through out the week. I know exactly what it is but I'm afraid I'll hurt more if I acknowledge it.

     Since I was young, I always want the love and attention of a loving family, even a friend or a close companion. But since Nana and William are with me I didn't even question the feeling. I didn't know nor learn anything about what I should have felt so how am I supposed to compare? I ended up not caring at all as I know it's impossible. My questions will never be answered nor my thirst in love will ever be quench. I was contented anyway, but then I grew older, father started calling me names, it sounds so sweet that I liked it. I love the attention I thought was love and care. I finally have the parental love I wanted, I will finally be loved by someone, but then as it turns out, the same love and care was just a mask of obsession and brutal possessiveness. I didn't even realized until it was too late. I didn't realize until I was too broken to even learn from the very beginning, so up until this very moment... I don't know anything.

     I didn't know that the love and care I felt front them was all just pity, that I am just a child they took and probably forcefully taking responsibility off. I am a child for them, not a boy or even a man. I'm a child! We're not on equal footing. They didn't see me in the way I saw them, from the very start up until now.

I'm an idiot.

"What the hell? What the hell am I feeling then?" I asked myself once again as I cried silently.

~

🙃