Dear Sim Jaeyun ⚊ Letter Series #3 ✔

note six

Dear Diary,

Things are getting worse recently.

I can barely pick up my pen and write, and it took me three tries of signalling my family before they understand to hand my diary to me.

My mom almost tripped over the wires connected to me as she is so close to tears at seeing what I looked now.

Nonetheless, they tried to cheer me up by bringing the photo albums from my childhood to the present and it was good to see me grow up before my eyes in those hundred pictures, a pictures that will soon only be the only reminder left of my existence in this universe.

Everything was going great until I threw up in the pail or vasin they always prepared for me under the bed. And then I fainted after seeing the vomit was mixed with blood, the last thing I saw was my dad yelling out for the nurse and doctors or for anyone else.

My mom is running to me, screaming something. I couldn't even hear what she was saying; it was all just a terribe sound of ringing in my ear.

I became scared then. I thought I was dying.

When I woke up, my mom was the only one there and saying my dad couldn't even look at me without breaking, so he went instead to stay in his car outside the hospital.

"Are you sure you weren't really scared of dying?", my mom asked and she avoided to make eye contact with me.

That's what she had asked me from time to time. I didn't know what to say. But I realized I was. I was scared of it, but not of going through the process of dying. But of leaving someone, of leaving my family. Of not knowing what will my friends do next once they discovered I never told them.

Of what he will say once he returned here for a visit.

I made a promise of waiting for him, but by the time he come back, all he will see is a grave of me saying hello to what could've been.

My mom then told me this, "It's okay to be afraid. You're leaving, not wanting for us to be sad but it will do, we will be heartbroken for we have lost such a beautiful angel like you"

Then she continued while rubbing gently down my head, "You don't need to act like everything's alright all the time for us. It will be much better to me if I saw you cry to me for the last time like the first time I saw you cry in my arms"

Right there upon realizing how it would be such the most painful thing to see for a mother to see her first child die before her.... I started to cry.

"I'm here, my baby", my mom held me in her arms and we stayed like that for a long time until she began to sing me a lullaby, the one that she used to lull me into sleep back when I was a small kid.

She then handed me a picture after my tears had dried and I could see my sun, even a moon and my universe smiling back at me. It seems he already reached his dreams in such a short time.

My Sim Jaeyun is now an idol.

I wish I could write more. Really. But everyday I'm getting weaker. I want to write every letter like my last.

I really do. I'll make sure of it because they promised me they will send it to him afterwards.

I already missed him so much. I hope he feels the same at this moment.

Sincerely Yours,
Y/N L/N