dan akhirnya, aku hancur lagi

4/ i'm lost.

i feel like i've been too manipulative for vary situations, like, i've been too many times manipulating myself to be this or that way, to the way i want or even the way i hate.

i'm scared to be one of them, but i can't stop myself to be one.

i can't stop myself to being what i learned or see in my society, but getting scared to really being one.

i don't even know if this was a pretend, attention seeking behavior, or some kind of similar things that can lead into some disorders.

i hate being diagnosed, i'm scared, but the more i'm questioning myself the more i denied anything that happened.

i'm started to dissociating my "bad self" and "good self" for a long time, but if this getting real (being diagnosed with disorder) i'm not sure how many years to go for me to deal with another denial episodes.

i hate myself for being that way, yet i'm craving for help without even trying to get out from those cylces.

i'm terrified, i'm lost.

i don't know how to say this to you, that i'm scared, that i even have other things that i haven't told you until now.

i'm scared that if i'm being honest about everything, things would getting worse, the diagnosed would be spread to another disorder and i hate that.

i'm scared that it should be just a thing that shouldn't be that huge, it's just me exaggerating.

i'm scared, i'm terrified.

i hate the moments that the more i terrified the more i avoid those things, but at the same time the more i wanna know more to punish myself because i know that i might having those worse behavior.

i'm scared about how i have huge impact to my environment for this down situations that happen for very long time.

i hate this feelings, i hate the truth that trying to show themselves out, i hate being diagnosed when i tried to be the one who helped them out with those situations.

i hate this feelings of incompetence and failure, and i hate being alive with this useless self for many years, ago and to go if i still alive. i hate, i'm terrified.

at the end, i'm lost.