metanoia |N.H|

chapter ten.

We never learn we've been here before

sign of the times - Harry Styles

I haven't updated since october 13th.. i promise i made up for it with this one though. 3.6k words + smut it's a wild ride, get ready.

Niall Horan

Sweat is basically dripping down my forehead as i nervously knock on Ecce's door. I've been here before, but it was with the boys. I've never been here alone. When we had sex it was in her trailer, so i'm nervous as to what will happen tonight.

"Hi," she says opening the door as i was about to knock again.

"Hi," I say back stepping around her putting on my tough guy persona back on. I walk into her kitchen and open the fridge looking for alcohol. I need alcohol. I don't know how i'll make it without it. "Where do you have the alcohol?" I say looking up to see her standing next to me.

"I don't drink much.." She says shrugging. She walks away.

"I'm going to the store. Coming with?" i call out.

"Hold up!" I was already walking towards the door, but i spin around in an instant. I see her carrying a bag of weed.

What a surprise tonight has been..

"I know this isn't the same.. but maybe it'll help us to not be sober? It'll save us a trip to the store," she says shyly holding up the bag. "If you don't like this.. i have different types.." she says flicking her eyes to her bedroom.

"This is okay," i say walking up to her and taking the bag out of her hands immediately.

I know, I know. I have a problem. Drug use was very.. normalized growing up. Everyone did it, so i started. Same with drinking, and smoking normal cigarettes.

By the time i joined the band, I was a walking disaster. The almost refused to let me join, but eventually my father pulled some strings not wanting me to be a complete and utter disappointment.. so here we are now.

Most people do drugs to feel, but i'm the opposite. I'm a walking disaster filled with all the wrong emotions when i'm sober. Those emotions usually manifest to anger when i don't want to show them.

I used to be such a kind child. My mother taught me to be kind.. but then she died.

I was left to fend for myself, but it never really worked out. My father immediately pulled me under his wing, saying "you'll never be a man if you don't learn from the best." So i did. I was taught to be a cruel, ruthless monster with not a single care for human life.

I walk over to her balcony and swing the doors open and step out feeling claustrophobic in that tiny little apartment.

I open the bag and see there are two pre-rolled joints in there. i pull the one that looks a bit more packed than the other wanting the high to be stronger. I know i'll end up smoking the other one too.

I reach into my back pocket pulling out my lighter, and placing the bag of marijuana on the table next to the lawn chair. I quickly light the joint, and take a long drag, feeling relieved.

The wind slams the door shut behind me, and i don't even flinch. I continue to take long, full drags but turn around when i hear the door creak open.

My heads shoots around to find Ecce creeping out of the door looking like a maniac. I have no clue what she's doing out here, she hates me. Why would she ever purposely spend time with me when she could be alone?

I took a drag of the joint and handed it over to her not even bothering to look. I leaned on the railing and she held her hand out signaling me to take the joint back.