Just another magical crack fic

The Rivalry

Going back to work sober and without an expensive sandwich with signature sauce was fucking hell. A little more than a half hour later, Charlie was sitting obnoxiously close to me, silently staring.

"What? I mean, you clearly picked up on the story. We were academic rivals. He took my spot for a really important opportunity that I spent a semester working my ass off for, and I'm 99.99% certain it's because he was fucking the professor, and he just got whatever he wanted because he was hot and manipulative." I realized the error of my ways at the moment my rant concluded. Putting it into words awakened something in me, and I realized I could not let this go on. "You can't see him romantically. He's just using you. He's using you to get to me."

Charlie scoffed at my outburst of self-esteem. "You're a fucking narcissist, dude. He's not using me. He has no reason to use me. He didn't even know you were my asshole friend until an hour ago." Charlie folded his hands and his tone became stilted, speaking to me like I was a petulant child. "He has been perfectly lovely to me and I want his hands on, and possibly in, various parts of my body, so I will continue to see him." Charlie sounded very resolved about this. "Furthermore," he re-crossed his legs the opposite way in his seat, "you can't tell me shit because college was a *looooong* ass time ago for you, and you need to get over your bullshit by now." I glared at him and he salted the wound, "a VERY long ass time ago."

Despite these snipes to my character, sanity, and choice of hyaluronic anti-aging cream, this logic seemed sound.

"Fine. I can be a grown-up, I guess. If I have to. If I'm a little tipsy, worst-case scenario. But seriously, if he fucks with you, I might have to murder him. Not really because I like *you* that much, but just because I hate *him* that much. When are you seeing him again?"

"That's all I can ask of you, really, and as to when, I don't know. He got really moody and quiet and left pretty soon after you did. I had to stare at Tate's perfect, vibrant white, STRAIGHT smile for the rest of lunch." Charlie glared at me. "You set me back a whole dick day. Maybe more than one."

"Boo hoo for you. Maybe you'd accelerate your dick days if you told him we aren't friends anymore. Or better yet," my shoulders shuddered with a chuckle at my moronic self, "LURE him in with that bondage kit I got you for your birthday. Is *that* how you get a BITE?" I waggled my eyebrows at him suggestively, and slapped a wide, fake grin on my face. Charlie groaned, and I continued, "If not, there are plenty of FISH IN THE SEA." I dodged a blow from a massive paw aimed at my head. This would never get old.

"Oh fuck you. Don't you know dolphins get trapped in shit like that in the ocean? He probably cares about dolphins, you fuckface. And don't kink shame. Being so fucking vanilla makes you sound even older than you are."

It turned out that Charlie was still my friend even though I gave him a purple nurple.