Just another magical crack fic

The Link

As the stars shine down and I prepare to perform another breaking-and-entering, I get another text, from my mom this time, and I notice where I left Jack's creepy ass on read. Like there is some ...wait for it... psychic link, a notification popped up with a message from Jack: "Let's try this again sometime when you're ready."

Now, I am nothing if not self-assured, so my inner monologue says, "when I'M ready? When I'm fucking ready, motherfucker? Of course I'm ready. I'M the bigger person!" So my reply is, "Sure, let's get coffee or something this week," because I am maybe a masochist. I don't know for sure.

With hundreds of teeth secured, I make my way home for another quick sleep, and I realize I am in Jack's neighborhood. I catch the concrete balcony out of the corner of my eye, and see Jack's tall silhouette. I quickly furrow my brow and turn my gaze toward my shoes as I make my way back home.

The next day, Charlie is literally lying spread-eagle on my desk. His full body is draped across the top, crushing my (thankfully, for its sake, inanimate) keyboard. Charlie and I are good friends, so of course I toss my bag on his belly, and he cringes vertically into what is probably the best situp he's ever done in his life. "Why are you on my desk? You're crushing Keyboard. I mean, my keyboard."

A heavy sigh rolls out of Charlie, perhaps because of the weight of my work bag, perhaps because of the weight of his thoughts, and he grins at me. "You're going to meet Shakes. Is he going to ask your blessing for my hand?" He makes an obscene gesture with his hand, because of course he does.

"Not thinking about your hand in that situation. Nope, not doing it. But yeah, I guess we're going to get coffee and be adults or something. I don't know what's wrong with me. I definitely would rather not do... any of that." I gestured my hand around in a broad sweeping motion. "So I guess you started stalking him-but-the-s-is-silent?"

"I sent him a dick pic."

My mouth gaped. "Noooooo. Tell me you didn't. Please god, tell me you didn't."

"Yup." He popped the "p" like a motherfucker. "Best pickup line I've got. Slidin' into the DMs like... EGGPLANT BITCH." Both pointer fingers gestured toward his enormous khaki chinos.

I felt my face contort and my stomach clench. "Come on, dude. Don't perpetuate toxic masculinity. Or whatever it is you have that's toxic."

"With a taste of your lips, I'm on a riiiiiiide...."

This was too much. "Oh no, you are not going to disparage Britney here. Go. Go away. Think about what you've done. Goddammit, do you even fucking work? You work like one fucking day a year, and you spend it drunk; the least you could do is your actual fucking  job." I heaved at his torso with both hands, hoping he would break something on the way to the floor. Charlie left me with the realization that yes, I had to do this. I had to go get coffee with this cockbite for the sake of my own curiosity.

Jack and I were meeting on Thursday afternoon. What psycho gets a latte on a Thursday afternoon? I decided that maybe I could change my name and move away, except then I'd have to get all new credit cards and shit. Go to the DMV even. I shook my fist at the sky and entered the Starbucks by my house, because fuck Jack and his fifteen-minutes-away apartment. This was my Starbucks. My turf. My terms. Even though he definitely tricked me into doing exactly what he wanted. Motherfucker.

The old guy who always sits at the counter with a worn-out orange fishing hat was the only other patron sitting in Starbucks when I arrived. He nodded at me in recognition, and even though we aren't on name-basis, I waved and smiled. You have to respect your elders, bitches. I picked up my mobile order from the counter, tasted it to make sure they added the espresso as some are wont to forget, and found a table near the big leather club chairs. I sunk into the seat, and feeling a little rebellious, slung my legs over the arm. I sipped my $4.17 drink and let that espresso bite hit me so good. Yes. Caffeine rushing through my veins would make this so much easier, and possibly it would relieve that slight headache that was forming when I thought about-- and then Jack walked in.

So I have an appreciation for the human form, be it male, female, sprite, or what-have-you, but how the fuck does a merperson survive in the ocean being so fucking pretty? I prefer the idea of mermaids being hideous half-fish, half-demons with pointy little teeth and shrill voices and scaly skin. It's just more realistic that way. I knew this was Jack's game. He was a siren. He lured people in with something appealing, and then his devious tactics would reward him with whatever he wanted. I steeled my defenses and knit my brows.

What I wasn't ready for, though, was Jack's 37" tall companion. He had the cutest fucking child I have ever seen. She was cuter than literally every other child I had stolen dentin from, and that was saying a lot. I was sort of giddy, confused, and angry all at the same time. This guy was such a fucking manipulator.

Jack looked at me, smiled and waved. "Hey, sorry I couldn't get a babysitter. This is Lana. Lana, this is my friend Kara."

The big brown eyes looked toward me and her lips parted, a big gap where her central incisor should be, and said, "I'm Lana, and I'm sixsss." I never thought a lisp could be that fucking cute. Oh, he was good. He was a fucking mastermind. Something inside me shifted, like when you can't quite sit all the way on a seat, despite the fact that I was practically lounging in the club chair, and I reached out to shake her hand. "Hi Lana. I see you lost a tooth recently."  She beamed at me. Not just by smiling-- oh no -- she literally beamed at me with her inner light, and I felt it. She was a pixie.

I looked up to Jack, and then looked around, my hands shaking around my drink cup, as I did a double-take. This ethereal fucking glowing girl was standing in front of me and he was just sort of chill about it. No attempts to be discreet had manifested, and I locked eyes with fishing-hat-guy. What met my gaze was one of validation. He knew it! My brow pinched a little and my head cocked in a silent question, and he nodded slowly, silently, from across the seating area. My guess is that he  must have had an encounter like this before with someone else who couldn't keep their fucking magic in check. Maybe a merman. Mer person. Whatever the fuck.

In retrospect, I don't know why it surprised me. I mean, her dad went full on Little Mermaid in a gym pool, so they clearly had no qualms about exposing themselves. Jack gave a half smile and turned to her and said, "Ok, little glow worm. Let's go get a cake pop."

I learned Lana was in first grade and she did gymnastics and run club. Her favorite color is purple, and she gets to see her mom on FaceTime and whenever there's a school break. She likes to do stacked up math problems, and there's a boy at school who says he loves her and wants to hug her all the time. Her favorite lovey is a stuffed Otter named, aptly, Otter. Already I like this child more than I like her father, and I want to do whatever I can to protect her in life. Goddamn my sentimental heart. I was going to have to get involved now. This girl needed training and attention and protection. She needed Annie. I knew Annie would know what to do. I made voodoo hands like a crazy person, then my palms raked away all the wrinkle-reducing  benefits of my expensive face cream.