Ashore

4: Death

TW: Death, panic attacks, grief, mentions of schizophrenia
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The first thing I see when my eyes decide to stop being closed is Tommy sitting up- and staring at Wilbur's neatly made 'bed', which was made of a small mattress and a pile of blankets.
"You're up." I whisper, and Tommy's head snaps back to me. He fakes a smiles and nods. I don't ask him anything. I searched something up before- what was it? Total privacy violation. Right.
"Lets go," Tommy says in what seems to be his early-morning voice, "find Wil."
I nod once and stand up.

We find Wilbur at his desk, drowning in a sea of documents and papers, ballpoint pen in hand. The rings under his eyes are even darker than those I saw yesterday. He looks... Lost.
"Wilby.." Tommy says so softly I almost can't hear it. When Wilbur doesn't respond, he walks slowly to wilbur and gives him a gentle hug.
I'm not sure how long the hug lasted, but when I take my eyes off the brothers, the clock hand has already moved half the clock from where it was just now.
When Tommy lets go of Wilbur, he turns around before wiping a tear from his eye with his sleeve in a flash.
My throat feels tight as ever. Something about the bond between them- is bringing up a False Alarm in me.
"Breakfast?" Tommy attempts to return to his usual voice but it breaks.
"Okay." I reply softly and pat his back, just for a split moment.
-
I admire the sunrise over the horizon. I'd always woken up this early, but I guess I never observed my surroundings. I was too busy making sure that people weren't looking that I forgot to look at other things.
"Ugh, my dad says I've got to train you or something. It's okay though, let's use our phones for a moment- wait, can I have your number?"
I nod and slip my phone out of my hoodie pocket before handing it to Tommy for him to punch in his number.
"Poggers! Don't worry, I won't text you too much. Obviously not, I'll totally text you like a hundred times per day." After saying that, he shoots a mocking stare at Ranboo and Tubbo, who woke up a few minutes ago.
"Shut up man, I don't care that you're a pretty prince with a phone." Tubbo protests and Ranboo chimes in with an 'Agreed'.
The rest of the day until late afternoon was mainly just me failing and having multiple Danger Games. And False Alarms. Well, if you still don't get it, don't worry. The Danger Game refers to my schizophrenic episodes. My doctor described it as: distorted reality, delusion, paranoia- lack of motivation.
False Alarm refers to panic attacks. I call it false alarm because- whenever I get a panic attack, it feels like I'm dying. Like, it always feels like that but I always end up being okay. Then my brain goes 'it wasn't death, it's okay, false alarm, you can continue working'. And by then, I'm already given weird 'she's a retard' stares from the people around me.
I call them games because... I don't know, really. I guess it means that someday- I'll win it. And I remember when I was young and people kept asking me to participate in the games my classmates played. I always didn't want to.
And I would be lying if I said that o kept it discreet that I didn't want to play.
Blood. That was what appeared on my classmate, James's face when I punched him. Because he mocked me for not wanting to play football.
It got me into trouble, of course, and they started to call me crazy. That didnt stop me from punching people, though.
Sorry. I drifted off topic, like always.
Lets try again.

My brain makes me play games that I don't want to play, and that sucks, but maybe- just maybe- one day I'll win the game.
-
"Ow.. " I mutter for the thousandth time after Tubbo manages to punch me because I don't run fast enough. Tommy sits watching us with a sore look on his face. He tried not to make it obvious that he didn't dare to hurt me, but failed. So he gave the job of training me to Tubbo.
"Hey, you'll improve. If you need a break, you can take one. We're here, okay?" Tubbo smiles and helps me up. Training is a pain.
But at least, with these three, they let me take a break when I am forced to play a Game. Most of them were the Danger Game.
Tubbo stretches his hand out to help me up. Then suddenly, my throat goes tight. Not good. A game is starting.
"Hey, get up," Tubbo smiles at me, but suddenly it turns into a glare. I spot a glint around his hand- is that a knife?
No, no. Tubbo won't hurt me. This is a Game. Danger Game.
But no matter how hard I try, I don't defeat the game.
He's going to kill you, he's going to kill you.
The voices in my head don't stop screaming, even when I screw my eyes shut and cover my ears.