Sambucky - Relax, Relapse

Chapter 5

They say everything gets worse when you realize whats going on, and that was entirely true for James "Bucky" Barnes. It seemed that every last second he was thinking about hurting himself. It broke Sams heart when Bucky had nearly whimpered.

"Please dont leave..." He whispered, not daring to look up from his lap. The two had been sitting in Buckys kitchen. Bucky had called Sam, asking him to come over because he didnt feel safe being alone. It was a huge step for the super soldier, and it was awkward and mumbled, but Sam just smiled and agreed and was there within 20 minutes.

"You okay?" He asked softly, sitting back down, one leg bent over the other as he turned towards the other.

"If you leave I- I know im gonna do something stupid..." He explained, squeasing his eyes tight as he ran his hands down his face. "Fuck im sorry, thats stupid. Il be fine. You should go home.." He stopped himself.

"Nah-uh. Im stayin'. Ive got nowhere important to be, and you need me right now. Movie?" He placed a hand on Buckys shoulder ressuringly.

"Sorry... Im just wasting your time, really, il be fine..." He sighed, sounding as if he was trying to convince himself as he spoke.

"Youre a horrible liar. C'mon, lets finally watch Lord Of The Rings. Its gonna piss you off cuz its nothing like the book." He chuckled. "And if you dont want that right now, The Princess Bride. Classic." He planned out, already grabbing the TV remote. Bucky rolled his eyes and slouched in his seat, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. He pinched his ribs again, enjoying the tiniest moment of pain he got. He had realized that the reason the pain was so addictive was because he dealt with it for 90 years. It was home, the physical pain felt welcoming and his brain mistook it for calming. Cathartic.

"Earth to Bucky," Sam poked Buckys shoulder as he sat back down. "You didnt hear a word i just said, did you?" He smirked, shaking his head.

"Watch, youre gonna like it." Bucky hummed dismissivly at Sams words, looking at the screen.

They got about half way through the movie when Bucky started getting antsy. His leg bounced, his lip ached as he chewed on it and he felt on the verge of tears as his heart raced with want, no, need.

"Sam..." He rasped, hardly audible over the movie. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and held his breath before croaking out another call of the Captains name.

Sam finally looked over, eyes widening in concern then softening in realization. "Talk to me, Buck." He said softly, placing a gentle hand on Buckys shoulder.

"I cant... I cant do it Sam... You gotta let me..." He whispered sniffing as he brought a finger up to his mouth, biting on it. Hard.

"Get your finger out of your mouth." He instructed tenderly, as if talking to a toddler, pulling his hand away from his mouth. Bucky huffed a breath as his other leg began bouncing in tandem with the first. He hugged his arms around his mid section, gripping his elbows tight. Too tight. It hurt, and thats exactly what he needed.

"You can do this, Bucky. You can get through this." He reassured, pulling Bucky foreward into his chest. Bucky gasped for breath and finally let out a sob as his cheek rested on Sams chest.

"I need it Sam... Please..." He cried, hugging himself tightly. Sam didnt respond to that, just tangled his hand in the super soldiers hair and carded his fingers through the brunette locks.

"Buck, hey, take a deep breath for me." He spoke up after awhile, untangling the knots in Buckys messy, short hair. Bucky listened, willingly, a surprise to Sam. But, he figured Bucky was vulnerable... And the super soldier had gained alot of trust in Sam since he started helping him recover, not just being his business partner. So he listened, attempting to breathe in through his mouth before choking on the air that dried his throat.

"In through your nose, Buck. Out through your mouth." Sam instructed, a gentle hand caressing the crying mans back. His heart ached for his best friend, wishing there was a way he could take away all his pain. "Youve got this." He reassured.

Bucky didnt offer any words as he did as Sam said, his breaths being cut off by his cries occasionally. He felt so.. Safe. In Sams arms. It made things a little bit easier, made them bearable.

"There ya go. Good job. Im proud of you." Sam reassured, running a hand through Buckys rather greasy hair. He didnt mind, hell, Rileys was worse in the Airforce when they couldnt shower for weeks on end during missions.

"M'sorry..." He croaked. He fekt horrible, his stupid urges ruined the movie. He looked to the screen to see the end credits.

"Youve got nothin' to be sorry about, Bucky." He sighed. "Why dont we go to bed, sleeps always a good alternative." He suggested, and Bucky hekd no objections. Infact, he yawned as he sat up.

Sam lead Bucky to his room, hand in hand. It was no doubt their relationship wasnt just platonic anymore, but the two of them had so much on their hands that their feelings about eachother seemed to fall on the back burner. Even so, Sams eyes held such love for Bucky as he tucked him into bed, getting in his bed from the opposite side. He had made the decision to stay with Bucky till he fell asleep, then he would go sleep in his own bed. Maybe. He stayed up so often worrying about his best friend, memories of walking in on him doing that to hinself, made him cringe every time. How his best friend was in so much pain and he couldnt help. It was like Riley all over again, watching his best friend, maybe more, falling. Except it was different. They werent on a mission, they werent dating, and Bucky wasnt falling from the sky. He was falling into his own pit of crippling depression and PTSD.