Sober (TsukkiYama Angst)

I'm Breathing Fine

Trigger warnings: mentions of self harm and suicide

Tuesday, October 9th, 7:30 a.m.

~Tadashi~

I snoozed my alarm and stayed in bed after it went off. I only dragged myself out of bed after snoozing it three more times. I lazily pushed my arms through the uniform sleeves and hobbled to the kitchen. Mom had breakfast and lunch ready for me but I didn't eat much of it. I spent most of breakfast just sitting with my head in my hand.

As I put my shoes on, I made a group chat with all the club members, except for Kageyama and Hinata. I had some thoughts that were weighing on me.

(Yamaguchi)

"I've thought about what I did on Saturday and I realize my actions were hurtful and wrong. I don't stand by what I did and I apologize. I'm sorry for taking out my emotions on all of you and insulting you guys in my fit of anger. This doesn't mean that we're all friends again though. While I regret what I did, I'm not ready to talk to any of you yet. I'm not emotionally stable enough to have a civil discussion at the moment. So please, don't text me or come and visit me during lunch. Don't try to comfort me and, especially, don't ask me about Tsukki. Again, I'm sorry for what I did, but please give me more time. Thank you"

I turned my notifications off after I sent the text. Before I went to school, I stopped by Tsukki's house to get his phone from his room. Akiteru let me get it myself. I held onto it for the time being and listened to our playlist as I dragged my feet to school. Halfway there, I realized I forgot to put on my pronoun bracelet. I sighed and chugged along. I would have worn the blue one and everyone defaults to he anyway.

I spent most of class nodding off and slouched over my desk. The teacher's lecture became background noise as I longed for just a little more sleep.

How did Tsukki keep up with class and volleyball for 3 years like this...

"Yamaguchi-kun, please pay attention."

I sighed a little bit and sat up, "Gomen, sensei."

12:35 p.m.

After the lunch bell rang, students flowed in and out of different classes as usual. I stayed inside my class and sat at Tsukki's desk by myself. I took bites of my lunch slowly. The food didn't feel like it was filling me up. I begrudgingly moved my jaw to chew up the food and swallowed. It felt like a chore.

I took Tsukki's phone out to occupy myself. I smiled as Tsukki's Lock Screen appeared. It was a photo of us, one of the few where he was smiling. We were on the bus headed home from the museum during winter break in our third year of middle school. We were all bundled up and rosy cheeked with some unmelted snow on us. Though, I wasn't rosy cheeked from just the snow. Before we boarded the bus, Tsukki wrapped his jacket around me and held me to keep me warm.

I breathed a chuckle, reminiscing on the memories. That day was awesome. Our parents let us go alone and we had the whole day to ourselves. After that trip, we went to his house and made cookies that we inhaled while we played Monster Hunter.

I typed in his passcode and looked at his Home Screen. I swiped through the apps as I decided whether to go through his phone or not. He only wanted me to have access to it after death. The fact that he survived made it feel like an invasion of privacy.

Before I could make up my mind, my phone vibrated.

(Yachi 12:37)

"Hey, I saw your text. Do you mind if I come check on you?"