On The Stage

XVI

Do you sometimes have this feeling that even though a person is practically doing nothing wrong you still feel aversion to that person? I have this problem with Rebecca Blanc. The girl did literally nothing that could make me dislike her. She's helped me with a piece of music composed by Apolonia Von Rostov, she's managed to access Rayan's consciousness and transform it slightly in my favor... and yet something doesn't sit right with me. This feeling had been with me for some time, but I dismissed it with a simple prescription. I didn't know her, I didn't know who she was or what she wanted and every living being fears that which is unknown to them. Today, however, my thoughts went to a whole other level. You see, it's Friday and Rayan's group, which also included Randal and Rebecca was presenting a paper on a Polish composer, Frederic Chopin. To say that they had a great time is like saying that hurricanes hitting the coast of the United States bring a nice sea breeze with them. To be more precise, Rebecca and Rayan behaved like best friends, like lovebirds. In the back of the classroom you could hear some laughter and animated conversation all the time despite the ongoing classes. Apparently everything is fine, they talk to each other, they become friends. What is wrong with it? It is safe to say that I was irritated by it for no reason, but I also did not expose my slight distaste. Until I kept my unjustified annoyance, I seemed to be doing nothing wrong. This all continued until Rebecca, standing in the middle of the class, asked Rayan to switch the next slide of the presentation on the laptop, addressing him fondly as "Ry".

You can't imagine the jealousy I felt at that moment, the burning anger towards Rebecca for even daring to address him that way and in front of the entire class. The worst part is that all indications were that Rayan didn't mind Rebecca addressing him that way, because the boy responded to it with a wide grin. Putting into perspective the small yet crucial fact that it had taken me almost six months to dare to call Rayan by the name 'Ry', which until then had been reserved for use only by his only, younger sister I was just... pissed. Why is Rebecca calling him that after less than a month of knowing him? It seemed to me that the term "Ry" was very intimate to him, private and reserved only for Abigail. Meanwhile, suddenly some disgusting cat lady comes along and not only does she try to get involved in my fucking relationship without consulting me, fuck me, but now she's crossing that line of intimacy. Elizabeth immediately noticed how angry I got when Rebecca spoke to my boyfriend that way. Surprisingly, she wanted to be diplomatic and assured me that it was probably just as a joke. I wonder how Elizabeth would have reacted if Rebecca had spoken in a petulant way to Randal. Fuck everyone is smart and can give golden advice until they are in that situation themselves.

I say right away that my aggression towards this situation is not directed at Rayan, it's directed at Rebecca. I don't know that I could be angry with the boy about it. He probably didn't even realize how strange the cat lady's behavior seemed to me. Strange and disturbing at the same time. Things seemed to have cleared up with Rayan, because we were really good together. I felt loved by him and I also knew that he wouldn't let a hair of my head fall off. Honestly, this is important to me. Maybe it's such a "passive" perspective, but I liked the feeling that I had a stronger man by my side, who would fuck anyone who tried to threaten me. It's probably a very silly thing to think, but by God... everyone has needs. In my uncertain and sometimes difficult life, I just wanted a person who was willing to take care of me no matter what. Not that I couldn't handle myself. I just loved the feeling that someone wanted me to feel comfortable around them. And that someone was Rayan. I won't deny that his physical superiority over me turned me on, because I'd have to lie to myself... except that arousal alone is never enough. This was about so much more than that. I felt like I had someone on my side. Someone I could trust and someone who really cared about what was going on in my life. We had many arguments, that much was obvious. Despite that, however, I knew that I truly loved him. Rayan gave me confidence, made me feel more assertive, more important. That's why I found our new classmate's behavior... tiresome.